I Shouldn't Have...
I took her for granted. My little sister. I thought she
was annoying, I wished her away. I yelled at her so often, and I insulted her,
painful, painful insults. I thought she was immature when she cried, when her
soft blue fur was clumped and wet from tears. I called her names.
I ask myself nowadays how I did that, how was
I so cruel and inhumane? I was younger back then, a pudgy thing with a thick
waste and chubby cheeks, and I wasn't much older than she is now. But that shouldn't
be an excuse… it can't be an excuse. The way I treated her… it was horrible.
I know it's my fault that she's gone now. I
made up lies, such vulgar and sour lies, and I played them perfectly, my dialogue
never faltering. My owner bought the lies, and so did everybody else.
"What an awful little Acara," they'd say. They
believed me. Never doubted me. Why should they, such an innocent looking faerie
Zafara with pastel purple fur and butterfly wings? I don't know. I never will.
Or maybe it wasn't the looks. Maybe it was the
seriousness in my voice, the deathly seriousness, and how frightened I sounded.
I never told implausible things, all my lies were well thought out, well planned.
I was always ready, always prepared.
I remember some of that deception so clearly,
and the details spin themselves perfectly in my mind. I remember…
"Oh Jane, that's horrible!"
"Is your owner going to do anything about
her, that filthy little character?"
[I don't know. I hope he does.]
"Me too! I can't believe she did that… stealing
so much valuable stuff and blaming it on innocent bystanders!"
[I hope she's abandoned soon.]
"This is the first time I've ever said this,
but I hope so too!"
How did I say that? How? How did I keep a straight
face during it, how did I never pause, never stutter? I am such a fool. She
is gone now, and she is never coming back, and I tried to get rid of her. But
that is not the worst of my lies… in fact, that is just the beginning…
"Oh FYORA! I'm so sorry! How long were you in
your bed, Jane? How many days were you sentenced to bed rest?"
[A day and half only. But I should probably
still be there. I'm only out because the doctor swung by and said I should get
"I see. Anyways, picking a fight!? Shame on
her! She ought to be abandoned soon. Before she hurts somebody seriously…"
I had picked the fight. I should be the one
abandoned. She was innocent, my sister. She had been sitting doing nothing,
and I had thrown the first punch. She didn't do anything. But that still wasn't
the worst. There is much more…
"I've been thinking of abandoning her, Jane.
I really have. I just don't know if I can go through with it."
[You should Jonah! She deserves it!]
"I know, I know. But I never have liked the
pound. So grimy and neglected the pets are there."
[She deserves the neglect!]
"You're probably right."
That was the day before it actually happened.
I remember so clearly the look on his face, the deep, thoughtful look. I could
almost see the options racing through his mind, faster than I could follow.
I could've admitted the truth there. I could've, I should've, I'm tearing myself
apart now because of my decision not to. But the past remains unchanged.
I will always wonder now at night, as I fall
into a fitful sleep, how I went on as normal after that conversation. My sister
had always stuck up for me, even after I did such awful things to her, and yet
I still wanted to get rid of her. The thought of seeing her behind bars had
sent excited chills up my spine. I deserve what unfortunately was her
"I've made my decision."
[Good, what is it?]
"She's going. Today. After lunch."
[She deserve a last meal? Puh-leese.]
"You're right. She's going today, before lunch."
[I like your decision, Jonah.]
"It'll be nice to have a peaceful household
again. Don't you think, Jane?"
[Definitely. Things were so nice around here
before she came! I remember a time before I got beat up and framed.]
"Me too, me too. I love you, Jane."
[I love you too, Jonah.]
I smiled as we walked into the pound. I remember
looking at my distorted reflection in the smudged and cracked mirror on the
grubby green wall, and seeing the grin shine a perfect white. Elation seeped
into my veins, pumped through my blood. Thank Fyora. She was finally gone.
"I'd like to abandon my pet, please."
"Mmhm, fill out these forms."
(the sound of pen against paper)
"Alright, here they are."
"Well uh… Jonahchi… I'll take your pet now."
(worried glance at now abandoned pet)
"I hope she's not as bad as you say."
The memory, it makes me want to hurl. It makes
me want to berate myself, to hate myself, to want to be a different pet. I could've
interfered as Dr_Death led her away to the row of cages. I could've screamed
for him to stop, to get Jonah to terminate the form, to get her back. I could've
but I didn't.
How do I live with myself?
I don't know. It's hard to know. To know the
reasoning behind my actions, to know why I never admitted the truth, to know
why I lived and still live behind the façade of endless lies. I don't know.
I don't want to know. The truth might hurt me more. But I deserve to be hurt.
I hurt her so bad afterall.
But even if I don't know why, I still remember.
I will always remember. The memories are not foggy, none of them.
"Life is so much more peaceful without her,
isn't it, Jane?"
"I wonder now why I didn't abandon her sooner."
(a smile cast between)
[I hope she never gets adopted. I hope she sits
behind bars for the rest of eternity.]
"Me too. I don't want another family to suffer
as we did."
She did get adopted. I checked back later, a
year later. Nobody knew or knows I have the information; the visit is completely
unspoken of, unknown of, by anybody except myself. Even I sometimes hesitate
when I think of it, wondering if somebody can read my mind and will find out.
It is such a silly worry, and I know that, but it doesn't go away.
But, then again, if somebody could read my mind,
wouldn't they know the truth about my sister?
I hope somebody finds out some day. I hope I
do not live the rest of my life deemed innocent. And I hope that that somebody
who finds out leaks the information, so that everybody knows it. I hope I
end up in the pound behind bars for eternity.
I do. I really do.
Only then will justice be served. What I did
to her, it was immoral. I took my little sister for granted. Only when she was
gone did I realize what I did, did I realize that I missed her.
Please accept this apology, my sister. Please?
A/N: Thank you to Alex and Sockmonk for inspiring me to continue writing.
That means a lot to me. You both rock. To everybody else, thanks a bunch for