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Fiddlesticks!


by pugnaciousilliterate

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Inconspicuous here again to bring another amusing article to all you bookslorgs out there in Neopia. Today I will be discussing one of the many disappointments that come in the form of daily duties. Which one of the many things that go awry am I speaking of? Geraptiku - Deserted Tomb.

Yes, the marvelous "deserted tomb." My first question is why is there even a tomb in a Neopia? We pets are immortal. Perhaps the "owner" of said tomb decided to have it built just to avoid the rush.

Moving onto the body of my article, I'd like to discuss the possible outcomes of visiting the tomb. Now, everybody knows (or at least, everybody will know after this sentence) that visiting the tomb each day has a plethora of solutions. The idea of this dusty old crevice is to lure unsuspecting owners into the dark, claustrophobic hallways in hopes of treasure. However, the naïve humans think that they are actually going to get something worth-while from this! Ha! Join me in a hearty laugh at this pitiful sight.

The fact is that, no, nothing really "interesting" comes out of this whole experience except it makes us pets annoyed and claustrophobic. Here is what I mean by this.

Fiddlesticks!

This is, in my opinion, the solution I most-often get. I aptly name it, "Fiddlesticks!"

Fiddlesticks!

You yell out in disappointment. This room is the treasure chamber you've been looking for but you discover that someone has gotten to the treasure before you. You could devote the rest of your life to finding this person and writing them a stern letter, but you have to get out of here first.

All right. I have a bone to pick with this ending. How is it after I spent three days dodging pain-inducing traps, fighting off starvation and drought, and putting up with my whiney owner that I come to an EMPTY treasure chamber? Wouldn't the last person who entered have the courtesy to put a sign outside the tomb that reads: "Sorry, no treasure here mate, you're better off just going home." I mean, that's what I would have done! Where is the courtesy of this fellow? And why didn't he or she set off any of the traps?

All that aside, I'd like to write this person a stern letter.

"Dear Mr. Treasure Stealer,

I recently went on holiday with my owner and sibling. Just for laughs, we decided to risk our lives and wander into the deserted tomb of Geraptiku in hopes of some treasure.

Now, it has come to my attention that you too took a trip to Geraptiku. It seems that you took home the large treasure we were hoping to stumble upon with you.

This letter is to inform you that we were not too pleased about you A) taking the treasure and B) not leaving a sign on the tomb door saying that you did so. We would like you to be more informed next time you decide to go gallivanting through tombs.

Yours Sincerely,

Inconspicuous

Post Script: You wouldn't happen to have a cure for claustrophobia, would you?"

"Rawr! Me Hungry!"

*RAWR* ME HUNGRY!

That's definitely no treasure. A giant monster leaps out from the darkness and begins chasing you, all the while thinking about the best way to cook you for dinner. You should probably continue running.

In this jaunt you come face to face with a rather nasty looking ghost Hissi.

Of course, any normal person would just feed the poor thing and continue looking for the treasure. However, my owner has never been labeled normal. Whenever she encounters the hungry pet she runs away screaming like a… girl. Okay, I guess that analogy is a little bland because she is a girl. Let's try this: She runs away screaming like a Chia being chased by a salivating Lupe. And besides, why are you calling a Hissi a monster? What did he/she ever do to you? Huh? Shouldn't it be you being labeled the monster? Yeah, that's what I thought.

OH NO!

Here is yet another example of a bad day that you're likely to have when wandering through the tomb. Special thanks to bambambaby636 for the direct quote for this, a writer needs to make sure that what he's ranting about is accurate.

You've never seen so many traps in your life. Seriously. Someone must really not want you to be here. You wonder how many traps there really are, and who put them here.

OH NO!

And, while you were thinking that and not paying attention, you set off another one. You watch as the arrows fly right at you, but luckily [Insert vigilant pet name here] was paying attention and pushes you out of the way just in time!

As a pet, I am outraged at this solution. First of all, what's with all these traps? "Seriously, someone must really not want you to be here." Then why is the tomb door open? Also, what exactly is so important that you would store it in an unlocked and open tomb? Seriously, I'm not risking life and limb for a dusty old plushie collection.

I am also outraged at the clumsiness of humans. Yes, I admit, the whole opposable-thumb trick is rather nifty, but that's really all you people have to show for yourself. You can't fly, breathe fire, and most of you can't even juggle. What's wrong with you?

EUREKA!

Okay, if you get lucky and actually stumble upon the lost treasure, here is what you'll read. Again, special thanks to watermario222 for giving me the direct quote; in my hurry to find the treasure, I didn't copy it down correctly.

If you're still here, the tomb presents you with quite a challenge over the next few days. Luckily, you've brought plenty of provisions and have cleverly made your way through every trap you've come across. Your mum would be proud. Finally, after decyphering all the secrets of the tomb, you're led to the treasure chamber.

My mother is already disappointed in me because I went on this excursion. Once I get out of here, she'll probably be mad because I didn't get lost or stuck by some poison arrow. I'd also like to point out that it is the pets who bring the provisions; food and water is something else the humans forget to lug around with them. It's like they think food grows on trees!

EUREKA! You've found it. You've found the treasure of the Lost City of Geraptiku. People you've met once will now be writing to you asking to borrow Neopoints. It's every Neopian's dream. You search through the treasure and take back what you can carry.

Alright, first of all, "people you've met once will now be writing you asking to borrow Neopoints," has to be some sort of joke. I know people who I have met once that asked me for Neopoints BEFORE I visited the tomb. And for all of you who think that you can borrow Neopoints from me now that I'm a distinguished traveler, back off or I'll poke you with my lucky bone necklace I recovered from my travels abroad.

EEP!

What in the world was that? You look down to discover you'd planted yourself right on top of a Petpet. Poor thing. You wonder how it got here.

Wait a tick! What's that under the Petpet? You shoo the little critter away and open the small box that almost escaped your notice.

It's no massive treasure, but it's better than nothing. With all you've been through, you decide it's best to quit while you're ahead and you quickly make for an exit.

I want to take the petpet home with me! *pouts * My owner said to put it down, I don't know where it has been. She's no fun. I kept arguing with her that people would pay good money for a nifty petpet like that, but the argument led no where. Perhaps she's still angry with for me making fun of her for running away from the Hissi...

*clears throat* Anyway!

So in conclusion, there are many different solutions that await you while you visit the deserted tomb. Be careful for those traps, make sure to run away from the really hungry Hissi, write a nasty letter to Mr. T. Stealer, and make sure you take home that cute little petpet and hand it over to me!

When visiting the tomb, or any other suspicious buildings around Neopia, remember to be safe, be prepared, and have some fun.

This is Inconspicuous signing out on another intriguing and cynical article. Keep on reading Neopia, and I'll keep on writing!

Thanks to a number of daring Neopians who risked life and limb to verify the direct quotes.

 
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