Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 130,067,293 Issue: 259 | 29th day of Gathering, Y8
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Surviving Snotdom


by daymarket

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There was a brilliant flash of light, and I could feel the evil zap of the lab ray working throughout my very core. Please be something normal, I thought fervently. Or else a really good color so that Daymarket will stop dragging me here every day...

The light faded away slowly, the aftereffects leaving bright images on my eyes. I blinked them away, standing up unsteadily. I looked down on myself, dreading to know what change had happened today.

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!"

My fur! My beautiful green fur! Tragedy had struck, for I was no longer a green Aisha. Instead, the lab ray had-had-

"Daymarket," I wailed, turning to my owner, "Look!"

Daymarket's face was impassive as she eyed me. Green goop was dripping all over me, forming a little mucky puddle on the floor. From behind my owner, my sisters stuck out their heads, looking at me with shock all over their faces.

"Oh my goodness," Kimiko whispered.

I was a freakin' snot Aisha.

"Well, doesn't she look much prettier now?" the lab ray scientist crooned, coming out from behind his ray. "Admittedly, it's an acquired taste, but-"

"Gah, Idy, no!" Daymarket yelped as I jumped up, trying to maul that scientist. Oh, I'd give him acquired taste, I would-

After ripping that scientist to tiny little bits, I stalked home, my sisters and owner following in my wake. Neopians kept turning their heads to look at me and the little puddles of goop I was leaving behind. Well, let them stare!

Once safely barricaded inside the Neohome, I whirled onto Daymarket. "You've got to paint me another color," I begged. "It won't take too much! Even a basic color would be fine. Anything but snot!"

I was practically groveling, and what does my cheapskate owner say? "Idy, you're being melodramatic," she scolded. "The lab ray will turn you another color soon. Besides, snot's not really... that... bad... " she finished weakly, staring at the puddle around my feet.

"On second thought, you'd better sleep outside tonight," she decided.

Surviving as a Snot Pet

I've been a snot pet for about two weeks now. I still hate it, but you don't live a fortnight as a certain color without learning how to adapt. So, fear not, fellow snots! Here are ten pieces of advice to help you work out your dastardly snot problems.

1. Bathtubs

Sleeping is always tricky, because if you sleep in a normal bed it can get really messy every day. Fortunately, the bathtub is a good alternative. Get a pair of scissors and rip up the tent for blankets. Whatever tents are made up of, they're very easy to wash. Pad the bathtub with them, and every morning just turn on the water and let the snot rinse itself out.

2. Smoothies

Eating, you say? What's so difficult about eating? Well, snot is very drippy. You open your mouth just to talk and you'll be swallowing huge gobs of it as it drips down your nose. I've found that even though most of me is snot, it still is disgusting beyond all belief to actually swallow the stuff.

So, how to get around this dilemma? Smoothies. Yes, you can survive on smoothies for two weeks; that's what I've been doing. Just stick a straw in your mouth and drink. There're so many different flavors anyway you're bound to get the whole food pyramid sooner or later.

3. Puddles

Trust me, when you're a snot pet, you do not want to play Kacheek Seek. Anyone can just follow the green trails and find you right away. Plus, those goopy puddles can seriously ruin your neighbor's d├ęcor.

However, as always, there is an alternative! Whoever invented Wellington Boots deserves a medal. Get the Extra-Extra-Extra-Extra Large size for extra snot collection. At the end of the day, just empty the boots out over the sink!

4. Neopkins

I have only one word for these things... EVIL!

Neopkins are the mortal enemy of snot pets! DO NOT GET NEAR THEM. Too much exposure to this nasty little things will cause too much of you to soak up into them. You'll be wiped away bit by bit until finally, you vanish.

Do you really want that to happen? I didn't think so!

5. Neoschool

-sigh- Neoschool. What can I say about it? Dreary at the best of times, it gets even worse when you're all snotty. The teachers don't want you handling the textbooks, the kids in the next class don't even want to get near your seat, green grunge gets all over your locker...

My advice? Homeschooling. Or, if your owner is too much of a skinflint to get you a tutor, try to outfit yourself appropriately. Raincoats are excellent for containing snot, as are elbow-length gloves and a large floppy hat.

6. Traveling

Ever since I've turned snot, I've become rather attached to the Haunted Woods. Something about the darkness and quiet attracts me, and there's also the bonus that snot pets aren't at all out of place in the Woods. I mean, just look at Meuka.

Places to avoid? Lost Desert (too much sand), Terror Mountain (too much snow), Faerieland (too many clouds), Krawk Island (too many pirates), Altador (too many ruinable antiques), Lutari Island (too much mist), Brightvale (too much wisdom), Mystery Island (too much jungle), Roo Island (too much happiness), Neopia Central (too many people), Maraqua (too much water), Kreludor (too much rock dust), Virtupets Space Station (too many Sloth slobberers), Shenkuu (too many pointy buildings) and... uh... have I missed anything? Ah ha, Meridell, that's it. Well, I suppose that's all right. Are dung and snot meant to mix? Personally I would say no... in fact, why don't you just stick with the Haunted Woods?

7. Battledoming

I was never one for the Battledome, but hey, whatever floats your boat. I think that most of your opponents will withdraw from the match at first sight of you, because who seriously wants to get in a wrestling match with a snot-covered pet? I know I wouldn't.

If they fail to forfeit automatically and/or are too thickheaded to perceive the snot threat, I suggest you charge at them screaming at the top of your lungs and proceed to beat them over the head with the Altador Club. It's been rotting in your SDB for ages; you might as well use it.

However...

If your opponent happens to be Meuka, tough luck. You asked for it.

8. Games

Try the skill or intellect games, because it's really hard to do action stuff while you're dripping goop all over the floor. It's a win-win situation - fewer chances to slip in your own muck, and you get to increase your intelligence. I would NOT suggest Kou-Jong, though; Linae can get extremely aggressive if you drip all over her precious pieces.

9. Shoptending

Don't even think about it. If you were in charge of the shop before, ask your owner to switch the duty to somebody else. Nothing quite turns a customer away like a dripping shopkeeper leaning forward with a hideous green smile and oozing, "How may I help you today?" through falling showers of snot.

Yeah, I hate being snot. How could you tell?

And last but not least...

10. Nagging

NAG. All day and all night. Tell your owner how much you SUFFER being snot, how much you hate it, and how extremely grateful you will be if they morph/paint you to ANY, ANY other color or species. If you have a really nasty skinflint of an owner -cough- DAYMARKET -cough-, try to move along their way of thinking by several subtle hints, e.g. snot all over their bed and/or precious belongings.

If you do manage to successfully convince your owner, please neomail Daymarket and tell her that your owner was kind enough to change you! Who knows? Maybe she'll finally be shamed into painting me.

~Idytarod, disgusted snot Aisha

Daymarket's Note: -sniff- Idy makes me sound so mean! I'm not really a miser, it's just that I want to paint her sister first. Waaaah! I'm so misunderstood!

 
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