Guide to Professional Poking
Slowly, she raised her index finger and, cautiously but forcefully, poked the
Shoyru in the side. She raised her hands overhead and shouted in victory. She
had won! Won the greatest event in Neopia!
I am referring to, of course, the Neopian Olympic Poking Events, which takes
place around Neopia every four years. This year, Y8, the NOPEs were held in
the Haunted Woods. The winner? None other than Mary Torrant, a young Usul, and
a master of poking.
I am here today to tell you all about the Neopian Olympic Poking Events, how
to poke and how to become a champion, so that you may participate in the NOPEs
in Y12, which are going to take place in Shenkuu. It will take great skill,
determination, and you will have to miss several meals, but hopefully, when
you finish reading this article, you will be a poking champion.
The NOPEs first took place in Y4. That year, it was held in Neopia Central.
The winner was Jomie Keruschffat, a Lupe resident of the Haunted Woods with
an extreme temper problem. He was almost disqualified for shouting at the referee
during one of the events but they let him off. His winning score in the final
event was poking the Shoyru a whopping 633,009 times in ten minutes. Witnesses
claim that his arm 'was a blur. I couldn't see anything but a yellow cloud where
his arm should be, it was moving so fast!'
The runner up that year was Liola Simpson, a Faerielandese JubJub. She had
poked the Shoyru in the final even 633, 049 times, which was more than Kerushcffat,
but she had obtained a warning by poking the referee in the second event instead
of the target, deducting 50 pokes from her final score. In third place was James
Rye, another Neopet from Faerieland, a Grarrl. His score was 630,313 pokes,
giving him the bronze medal.
There are three events in the Neopian Olympic Poking Events. The first is where
one must poke an angry zomutt which runs around and will bite the Poker if they
are not careful. Many have failed at this first hurdle as the zomutt ran too
fast for them to poke. The second is where one must poke a Skeith or Grarrl
hard enough for them to feel it. The score one must get to pass this event is
20 or more pokes, as it is very hard to achieve. The final, third event is the
poking of the Shoyru, which can fly around. It's a difficult event, but if you
manage to do it, you are very likely to be in the top five.
Now let's talk about the actual poking. First of all, I'll just give you several
terms you can use. 'Poke', of course, is the most common. You often see this
around the Neoboards, where newbies and people training for the NOPEs often
practise. 'Prod' is also often commonly used. 'Jab' is the third term, which
you hardly see, as the term 'poke' is much more effective and to-the-point.
Now. How to poke. Please make sure there are no other distractions in the
room before you start this process. Perhaps get a drink of water or dung-flavoured
tea to drink before you begin, as this is a very strenuous activity and may
result in fits of frustration or nerves.
When you are ready to begin, hold out your right hand (or, if you are left-handed,
hold out your left). Make sure you feel comfortable. Curl your fingers up into
a fist, so that you are doing a thumbs-up sign. Now bend your thumb to rest
gently on your index finger.
This is a tricky bit. Uncurl your index finger and move your thumb so that
it is now resting on your middle finger. Point your finger away from you to
prevent serious injuries and/or poking yourself in the eye. Congratulations!
You have completed step 1 of your poking lesson.
Step 2 is slightly more difficult. You will now have to find a target/victim
upon which to practise. Your petpet is good to use, unless it has sharp teeth,
as is your pillow, your friends, your family, and yes, even your bedroom walls.
Move your arm so that your index finger is moving forward. Do not stop when
the finger makes contact with your selected target - keep moving so that your
finger makes a dent in whatever you are poking. Now withdraw your finger again
and - voila! You have successfully poked for the first time! Give yourself a
pat on the back and a cookie.
It is important to take a break between poking, as you can easily overpoke
and give yourself an ulcer. Drink lots of water and eat lots of protein and
carbohydrates to give you enough energy. Minimize the amount of junk food you
I have been requested on numerous occasions to state what exercises would
be useful to build up your poking-finger muscles and make you a champion, so
here they are.
1. The Curl - this is a very easy exercise that you can do while reading or
pretending to do your homework. Simply curl and uncurl your fingers several
times to relax the muscles.
2. The Piston - start with your elbow tucked next to your body and lower arm
straight out. Move your arm so that it is level with your shoulders and completely
straight. Now move your arm back to the first position. And back to the second.
And the first. And the second. Over and over again. This releases tension in
your shoulder muscles and makes you accustomed to using the correct techniques
3. The Brick - position your finger for poking and get something small and
hard (like a brick). Simply practise poking it for hours on end so that you
are used to poking hard objects - remember, in the NOPEs, you often have to
poke Skeiths and other Neopets with hard or scaly skin.
And there you have it! Keep up with the exercises and practise every day. Take
up poking as a hobby. Show your family and friends. Astound and amaze your teachers.
Be a champion! Please feel free to neomail me if you have any questions or comments
about poking. Good luck!
Please feel free to neomail me with comments and suggestions - I'm happy
to get neomails!