Bored in Neoschool? Have Some Fun!
Also by chivo
Hear that distant, persistent ringing in your ear? It’s not the trilling of a thousand angry Weewoos, nor is it the sound the Turmaculus makes when you select the option to kick him in a misguided attempt to awaken him from serene slumber. That persistent, never ending bell sound resounding in your ears isn’t the noise Test your Strength makes to indicate you’ve won yet another item of food that you wouldn’t see fit to throw at that really irritating Neopet you can’t stand. No. It’s your alarm clock. And you’re late for Neoschool!
Neoschool. Ah, those hallowed halls, a beacon of learning and education. Each day, scores of pets from all areas of Neopia filter into classrooms, hoping to enrich their minds and better themselves through enlightenment and reading. Some come in hopes of discovering the mysterious customs of far away Neolands. Others to make friends and socialize. Some just come because their owners make them.
How often in the past have we stumbled onto the Neoboards to see people expressing a continued longing for the creation of Neoschools? Keeping in mind how many of you were there voicing this desire instead of doing your homework, wouldn’t you think that the very pets we wanted the school for might be a little willing to grab the opportunity to advance their education when now it’s finally going to be presented to them?
Not so! Many pets complain about Neoschool. Often have dedicated owners dared to ask the age-old question, “What did you learn at school today?” only to be met with groans and heaved sighs, an indication of the weariness brought upon their beloved pets by the mere idea of having to think. Then the complaints come, thick and fast. Some teachers are too strict, the chalkboard is too high, recess is too short and owners are a complete embarrassment when they sit at the end of year Neoschool concert cheering on their darling in a re-enactment of the Space Faerie’s triumph over Sloth. And then there is the time it takes to recite the history of Alstaf the Poogle and the great poetry revolution. When all this is called for on one of those beautiful, bright sunny days, it’s just too much. You know those days. Where one glance into the shimmering fields beyond the classroom reminds you of what you could be doing. Should be doing. ANYTHING but science class. Does anyone really need to know the result of mixing Meridellic Acid and Oxydariganic Acid. Come on. Like we’ll ever need to know THAT.
So how do we pass those long hours between the morning’s fascinating history lecture on the Soup Faerie’s long ago quest for the perfect leek broth and the afternoon's intriguing look at the way in which Chef Bonju + Avatars divided by failure = Frustration? Following you’ll find a list of suggestions as to how you might liven up the Neoschool day. Anjie and Chivo take no responsibility for any detentions you receive after following this advice.
1. Carrot Chia Pencils? They look like a little carrot Chia, but they're actually the instruments used to jot down those fascinating notes on Nigel’s stock broking history. Not anymore! If you happen to have a classmate who is in fact, a Carrot Chia, suggest that he stage a protest about the improper use of his image. Point out that the quickest path to an unpopular time at school is to have your image used on a school supply. The same goes for Plum Chia erasers. No one is going to think that’s cool.
2. Replace the school bell with a hungry Kadoatie: The only thing more irritating than the whining of a Kadoatie is the sound of impatient Neopians awaiting Poogles to be released. As it’s a little inhumane to put your Neofriends in a box and suggest they whine, grab the nearest Kadoatie, place a Blue Draik Egg just out of reach and let the thing cry! Chances are the chaos that incessant whining will cause might delay your afternoon lesson a little anyway and nothing says fun like watching the teacher chase the irritated petpet around the room.
3. Continuing the fun of the petpet theme, why not replace a classmate’s Snuffly Stapler with a real Snuffly? Imagine the laughs your entire class will have at your friend’s expense when his ‘stapler’ not only punches a hole in the paper, but also swallows the entire sheet.
4. While we’re on the very concept of replacing things, have you noticed the distinct similarity between the harmless Neoschool supply ‘Box of Crayons’ and the colorful battle item ‘Curious sticks of lethal wax’? No? Why not switch them around and see how fast your teacher spots the difference? (Authors' Note: We don’t recommend the use of the Battle Ready pencil box, lest your irritating pranks lead to your friends using it on you!)
5. Suggest that the week’s guest speaker is Henddrie, the famed Highland Chia. It’s going to reflect well on you if you invite a legendary battle hero to visit with your class, plus you get the added amusement of watching every single pet there strain and stress as they try to understand his incoherent roars.
6. Insist on bringing in your Altador Cup merchandise collection for Show and Tell. Insist on performing your famous imitation of the angry Techo fan for the entire class. But why stop there? Spend the rest of the day in character, cheering and jeering wildly through lessons, lunch and especially when homework is being assigned. Refuse to accept said homework assignment; professional Yooyuball fanatics don’t need to learn anything that can’t be taught by taking part in a yelling match about the pound on the Help Chat.
7. Suggest visiting the mysterious blue Grundo in Faerieland as your class field trip. Insist that no one leave the location until you all figure out the very purpose of the Grundo’s existence. Try interviewing the Grundo.
8. For science, make a real life, full-scale model of Meridell Castle, complete with a tiny King Skarl figurine that bellows for food every half hour. Keep the project on proud display in the classroom; the teacher will appreciate the break every thirty minutes when the tiny King yells out. If you really want to cause trouble, insist on bringing him the food every time he demands it.
9. Write each essay as if Sloth wrote it. Try to include the phrases ‘You wretched Neopets!” and “Mwahahahaha!” as often as possible. When the teacher protests, inform her that it’s anti-Sloth creatures like her who prevent long, deeply complex Sloth based plots. Spread this story around, especially to the friendly Neopians complaining about the plot on the Return of Sloth board.
10. Have your owner buy you a Tatty Pencil. Use it at school then question the entire class on how it got those strange bite marks which are a feature of the item. Hold a mock trial to find the non-existent culprit.
11. Suggest a strict, compulsory uniform policy for your Neoschool. Don’t worry that the only available clothing items include the School Girl Plaid Skirt. If a Skeith is really secure about who he is, he’ll not object to wearing one.
12. Bring a Usuki Neoschool Teacher to class and stand it at the front of the room. Insist that everyone follow the teacher’s instructions for the day. Expect many hours of silence. If the real teacher attempts to remove the Usuki from the classroom, claim professional jealousy. Alert the school board if possible.
13. The ‘Give the teacher an apple tradition!’ Shame on all you unoriginal people who suspected we were going to suggest replacing the teacher’s healthy snack with a rotten wormy apple. Have you no conscience? Instead, gather the worms from that said apple and organize an army. Take part in worm raids to steal chalk, terrify classmates and practice tricks. If all else fails, you’ll at least have a small group to talk to when the rest of the class ostracizes you!
Of course, none of these actions should be taken too seriously. The school board isn’t going to agree that your teacher should be replaced with a Usuki, and telling the class Skeith that he would look spiffy in a pleated skirt and tilted beret is going to teach you a lesson that you didn’t really want to learn. It is possible to have fun at Neoschool, though, so encourage your pets to spend their time wisely! (And if not, request that they at least leave the bellowing Skarl science project in the classroom!)
Remember, pets. Stay in school!