Critical Analysis: Famous Poses
(SETTINGS: A panel of three pets consisting of a Darigan Gelert, a Tyrannian Lupe and a Tyrannian Krawk are currently occupying the three seats surrounding a beautifully polished table.)
EXPULSED: Hello and welcome to our first edition of Critical Analysis where we analyze the various aspects of Neopia for you all to enjoy. For your information, ‘we’ refers to Sabre, Drab and I, Expulsed, Yippo’s pets as we endeavor to bring you some rather interesting (and occasionally biased) opinions.
DRAB: Yes... It was quite a surprise when our owner agreed to let us do this – well, this IS our first project together. You see, we don’t exactly... mesh together very well and end up arguing a lot. Or, we tend to talk over one another.
SABRE: [proves DRAB’s point and ignores both of them] In this edition, we will explore a few selections of poses by famous Neopians all over Neopia and critically analyze them, thus the name of this series. Without any further ado, we will begin!
[ANALYSIS ONE: ILLUSEN]
EXPULSED: Oh dear, that whole sitting on the leaves look does NOT look appealing.
DRAB: Hush you; you’re biased because you’re from Darigan Citadel.
EXPULSED: And that affects my opinions how?
DRAB: You’re enemies with Meridell – she’s from Meridell. In other words, you’re an enemy to her.
EXPULSED: Well, I never knew that Illusen was my enemy but thanks to you, I have now taken a mutual hatred towards her.
SABRE: Just get on with it... I actually quite like her pose. The way she holds her hand in that manner is rather attractive –
EXPULSED: Er, no. It looks as if she hasn’t got a care in the world –
SABRE: ... She doesn’t, though. She gets everyone else to do all her quests and really, since she DOESN’T even need to acquire her own items – what care does she have in this world?
DRAB: I always loved the colour green.
EXPULSED: Do you even know what we’re talking about?
DRAB: Well, technically, we’re supposed to be talking about her current pose...
EXPULSED: She does look a little rigid, don’t you think?
SABRE: It’s a portrait, you idiot. Of course she’s rigid.
EXPULSED: Well, sorry.
SABRE: Don’t worry about it.
EXPULSED: I wasn’t worried to begin with.
SABRE: That’s right, let’s move on. Hmm, well, she looks a little sleepy – maybe it’s just her eye shadow and er, lowered eye lids?
EXPULSED: I like that droopy look, it makes her seem unsuspecting and vulnerable. [mutters] so now I can sneak up on her and...
SABRE: [sighs] This is all your fault, you know, Drab.
DRAB: MY fault?
SABRE: Now you’ve got into Expulsed’s head that he needs to kill Illusen.
EXPULSED: DIE, ILLUSEN! I will never complete your quests again! In fact, I’ll never VISIT you again! No, better! I’ll never THINK of you again!
SABRE: See what I mean?
DRAB: [uneasy cough] Let’s just skip Illusen...
[ANALYSIS TWO: KING SKARL]
EXPULSED: ARGH! My eyes!
SABRE: Don’t be rude! Well, he sure has an interesting wardrobe.
DRAB: Ditto, brother. Is that real Kougra fur used in the trimming of his coat?
EXPULSED: Naw. It’s just a rip off from a Christmas Scorchio jacket.
DRAB: That’s not even possible.
EXPULSED: Yes it is. Customization makes it possible to wear specific clothing even if your colour may have originally restricted that decision.
SABRE: No, what Drab meant was that Skarl is a Skeith. He can’t just parade around wearing a Scorchio’s jacket.
EXPULSED: Well, it’s exactly what you said to me before. He’s in a portrait and not parading around which means he CAN be wearing that jacket.
EXPULSED: You both are so bad at critically analyzing...
DRAB: No, you are. You haven’t liked a single pose so far.
EXPULSED: We’ve only seen two.
EXPULSED: I may like some others...
SABRE: Let’s finish with Skarl first, okay?
EXPULSED: Fine. He looks angry.
DRAB: Duh. It’s not like he hears any good jokes.
EXPULSED: I actually blame it entirely on the Neopians who say those ridiculous jokes.
EXPULSED: They make them bad.
EXPULSED: Skarl can’t enjoy them so he’s angry in this pose. Actually, he looks quite macho with his fists on his hips... It’s like me when I’m angry.
SABRE: Actually, you use your fangs to get your point across when you’re angry.
EXPULSED: Good point. Well, Skarl’s pose is a no, no for me.
SABRE: No comment.
[ANALYSIS THREE: BOB]
EXPULSED: Who... is Bob?
DRAB: You’re looking at a picture of him right now.
EXPULSED: Oh. The Food Shop Guy? He looks a little cheesy to me.
SABRE: Big surprise there.
EXPULSED: No, honestly, it looks as if he is going to eat that pan.
DRAB: I like his apron! And his pose makes him look very enthusiastic about his junk foods – I like it.
SABRE: Personally, I find it disturbing that his tongue can almost touch his eye.
EXPULSED: Ditto, brother. And I also don’t like how deceiving this pose is – pans don’t even exist in Neopia!
DRAB: Let’s not get into the technicalities right now. Over all rating?
EXPULSED: Let me guess, it’s out of 5?
DRAB: [is defensive] I like food...
EXPULSED: Hang on, we didn’t even rate the other two...
SABRE: Who cares?
EXPULSED: Fine. Skip it for all I care.
[ANALYSIS FOUR: COLTZAN’S SHRINE]
EXPULSED: Yes, this is quite a nice pose. It is very revealing indeed.
SABRE: I know you’re being sarcastic.
EXPULSED: How would you know?
SABRE: You’re talking about Coltzan, aren’t you?
DRAB: Well, we’re talking about his shrine.
EXPULSED: The shrine isn’t a famous Neopian!
SABRE: But we’re doing it anyway.
DRAB: That gold really works wonders for his complexion...
EXPULSED: How in Neopia do you know that Coltzan’s Shrine is a guy?
SABRE: We just do.
DRAB: Stop with all the face pulling!
EXPULSED: Fine. Hey, can we go to Coltzan’s Shrine right now?
DRAB: Where were we?
EXPULSED: [yells] Alliteration!
SABRE: I’ve always liked hieroglyphs...
DRAB: Yeah. It makes him look all mysterious and powerful...
EXPULSED: [flatly] He gave me a muffin.
EXPULSED: I just went to visit him.
DRAB: Good grief, Expulsed. We’re supposed to be doing an ARTICLE right now!
EXPULSED: Well, sorry. I’m just a little bored right now.
DRAB: [sighs] Why don’t we just end this and start next time?
SABRE: Good idea. If you-
EXPULSED: Hey! That’s my line!
EXPULSED: If you have an idea or would like us to analysis something in particular for our next edition, send a neomail to yippo_yippee. Try to keep it reasonably... easy.
SABRE: Unfortunately for you all, you won’t be credited for your input nor will we use all ideas sent in.
DRAB: I bags choosing the next one!
EXPULSED: Until then... Goodbye.