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Capn Jack's Guide to Better Pirating

by yami_wolfwood


Ahoy matey, my name’s Captain Jack, but you can just call me your excellency. I been a captain of a ship on the blue sea for years now, with me first mate Rum, and I think I learned o’ bit while out there. But recently it came to me attention that there are a lot o’ pirates out there making rookie mistakes. So I figured ‘why not tell ‘em what they're doing wrong?’ And that’s what this guide be for. Learning how to be a better pirate! Arr, so let’s begin.

Part One - The Outfit

The first and foremost thing is that any self-respecting pirate (since that’s the only thing you respect) needs is pirate garb. Every good pirate has had their own style; Garin had his blade, Jaques had his green bandana, and Captain Scarblade had his scar.

My style is me loose fitting shirt which protects me from those nasty waves that tend to attack you when you’re least expecting it. Then I have me stylin’ bandana. A hat can get in your way, and you’re always sure to lose it during a storm, but a bandana is tied tightly to your head, making sure you look good, and for me bald friends, don’t get a sunburn! My signature, though, is me gold earring. Pirates can get whatever piercing they want, and no one gives them a second look! Probably because they saw the gun at their side as well.

There be other important piratey things, such as a sword. What would a pirate be without his trusty sword? Dead, probably. That’s why ye' should always have a sword at your side. A good ol’ pistol can get the job done too.

I know I said I prefer a bandana, but a hat is still another great part of being a pirate. How can you resist? There are many different types of pirate hats: tricorn, captain’s, and ones with really big feathers! Those are the best kind. The bigger the hat, the better a pirate you’ll be. It’s true.

Now comes a real favorite of our vision impaired pirates... the eye patch! Even if you aren’t vision impaired, it can be a great accessory. The mystery of the eye patch is unparalleled. How did he lose his eye? Was he the winner of that fight? If he was, I’d hate to see the loser. See? It gets people talking about you, which helps your reputation as a pirate!

Peg legs. Another battle trophy. They work the same way as an eye patch, but better. If you’ve got a peg leg, and you walk into a saloon (wait, that’s cowboys), your peg leg makes that great clunk, clunk, clunk noise. Then the entire room will fall silent and watch as you cross the room. That there? That be the power of a pirate.

The other weapon of terror received from battle is the hook. Any pirate can use a hook without looking cliched. How can something so shiny be cliched? The answer: it can’t.

Last, but not least, is the tattoo. An optional piece, which can give you a real nasty look, which is a good thing in case you didn’t know. Try and get something evil looking, like a skull, a sword, or a meepit. Don’t get anything flowery; no peace symbols or feepits for you! You’re a macho pirate!

(Note: Neopets, yami_wolfwood, and any other people we know do not support getting a tattoo without being the proper age, parental consent, and thinking about it for a really long time.)

Part Two - The Ship

The second part of being a good pirate is having a pirate ship. What would a pirate be without a ship? He’d be a pirate without a ship, that’s what he’d be! And that’s a sad, sad pirate.

The ship is the first part of having a ship. Remember when you’re shopping for the right ship: Go big. Spend the extra couple neopoints to get that extra wide hull, or tall mast. You can’t go wrong when you go big on the ship. Try to get a ship with a captain’s quarters. If you don’t, you’ll either be sleeping with the crew, or sleeping with the fishes. (Wait, wrong thugs.) Your crow’s nest should be high enough so your lookout can see to the horizon, but it should be low enough so he can jump down without getting too hurt when you’re under attack.

On the ship, at the top of the mast, is one of the best parts of being a pirate. The flag. The black flag with a skull and crossbones (or sometimes crossed swords) strikes fear into the heart of anyone who sees it. When a non-pirate captain sees that flag, he already knows he’s been beat. His ship is practically free to plunder.

Finally, you have the crew. Probably the only thing more important than the flag. To have a crew, all you really need is a captain, a first mate, and a parrot. I am the captain of me ship, and I have a first mate who also acts as me parrot, Rum the Pirate Zomut. You can’t get a better first mate than that. So that’s all you need. After that, it’s basically more random crew members: second mates, deck swabbers, cabin boys, those sorts of things.

Part Three - The Lingo

Definitely the most fun of all the important things ‘bout being a pirate. So fun it even has it’s own holiday. That’s right! September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day! A whole day for you non-pirates to get to talk like one! “Arr matey! This be mutiny! Aye aye, captain! Shiver me timbers!” etc.

To talk like a pirate, you have to think like a pirate. The most important parts of thinking like a pirate are: treasure, treasure, and treasure... and grog, but grog is a subject for another day. Treasure is important when thinking like a pirate, so it must be important when talking like a pirate.

So, think treasure. Now, repeat after me. “Arr matey, where be the treasure?” ...Easy enough. Basically it means, “Hey dude, where’s the treasure?” This is very useful when you haven’t earned yourself the title of captain, and you’re wondering what’s going on.

Now, let’s try something harder. “Avast! All hands on deck! Hoist the sails! Swab the poop deck!” ...Understand any of that? No? That’s ok, most pirates don’t have a clue what they’re saying. They just say it to sound cool.

Here’s a favorite of mine. “Walk the plank!” which, in layman's terms, means, “Walk off of that piece of wood on the side of the boat and fall into the water so I won’t have to deal with you!” Easy to say, easy to understand, easy to remember, but still really cool.

For our last phrase, we’ll use one that’s great for when you’re attacking other ships. “Aye, ye be doomed to Davvy Jones's Locker, ye scurvy scallywag!” ...Can you translate that yourself? If yes, good for you! If not, then it means, “You’re going to die.” Don’t worry, you’ll get it eventually. And there you go! Now you know how to talk to a pirate!

So, now that you know the ins and outs of being a true blue pirate, do you think you’re ready to sail the seven seas? I think you are! If you’re not, just practice on National Talk Like a Pirate Day!

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