Invisible Paint Brushes rock Circulation: 174,960,683 Issue: 376 | 23rd day of Sleeping, Y11
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When Your Owner is Crazy


by soundboard

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...there's really not much you can do about it.

I'm Harachimoshirou, Harachi for short. I'll be your narrator today. Enough about me, though. This little segment is dedicated to my owner (whom I love very much) who, like a great deal of her age, is flying off the handle with all of her schoolwork.

      This isn't to say that I'm ungrateful for her love and care, but we can't get away from her --- she's so clingy. By 'we', I mean my brother and I. My older sister, Spirals, and my owner are alike in so many ways that it's like having a pair of clones in the house. When one's out, the other is here to fill the gap. It really drives me nuts when I'm trying to study.

      By now, you're probably thinking, 'Oh, this little Zafara is exaggerating, everyone has their own little quirks'. Ha. When you're through reading this memoir, you'll finally realize that I'm not making this stuff up. It doesn't get any weirder than this.

      Example Number One: The first time my mother wanted to go to Faerieland with us, she didn't quite understand the concept of 'the sidewalks are made of CLOUDS'. Only Spirals and I could go (this was before my brother was born). But no, she was afraid that with 2,000 neopoints between us, we'd get attacked by the Pant Devil. "But, Mom," my sister reasoned, "you can't go! You'd just fall through the clouds!"

      Oh, how she wished she wouldn't have said that. My owner's silly smile faded, and she dropped to her knees. "Are you... are you saying that I'm FAT?!" she shrieked. Mind you, we were right in the middle of Neopia Central, so she made quite a scene. Passing families stopped to stare. Shopkeepers frowned. I took action.

      "Mother, that's not what we're saying at all. It's just that, well, Neopets generally weigh about half of the average owner, so that's why we can go and we won't fall. Don't worry, we don't think you're overweight in the slightest."

      "Yeah!" my sister chimed in, about to ruin everything. "You only weigh---"

      At this, I tackled her. If my mother's small weight of one hundred and eight pounds --- oops --- was revealed to the world, she would flip her lid. I thought that I had everything under control.

      Even though Spirals caught the hint, things would still come out disastrous. Mom suddenly had one of her 'brilliant' ideas. "I'll be right back!" she chirped, and with lightning speed, disappeared into the mass of shops surrounding us.

      This happened too quickly to comprehend, so my sister and I were left mouths agape in the middle of the city for about five minutes. After this, the mastermind returned with a piece of cardboard, a pair of scissors, and a set of markers.

      "We WILL go to Faerieland as a family!" she announced, and began working on her latest art project, which, incredibly, was finished quickly, unlike her other works.

      "Hara!" she said, inspecting the cardboard pieces. "Tape these wings to my back!"

      Everything went mad. Spirals erupted in loud roars of Kougra laughter, making even more bystanders stare. I was so incredibly embarrassed that I actually agreed to humor her. I taped the makeshift wings to her pale blue shirt. "D-done, Mom..." I muttered, shuffling my feet.

      No response.

      I glanced over at her. Her palm was outstretched, her eyes glazed over in wonder. I suddenly became chilly before hearing outcries of 'It's snowing!' and the like. My mother had only seen snow when she was very young, too young to remember. She was hypnotized.

      After a while, she finally spoke.

      "...Let's go to Terror Mountain instead."

     ***

     And then there was the incident with the Snowager, thus bringing us to Example Number Two:

      About a week after the previous event, my mother kept her word and dragged us to Terror Mountain. Spirals and I were wearing coats, preparing for the freezing weather. Mom, however, wore only her 'I Love Squids' shirt and her favorite pair of ripped jeans. She would often brag about how she could go the entire season of winter without so much as an extra shirt. I had brought an extra coat, just in case the cold became too much to bear for her.

      But we didn't hear a word from her, so that was a plus. We had about ten thousand neopoints on us for food, toys, and a scratchcard. But evidently, no one had told her about the Snowager.

      Spirals and I had heard stories of this giant, icy creature, and we both shrugged it off as a myth. Yet, as my owner scratched her scratchcard and conversed with the Wocky at the stand, we got the uneasy feeling that we were going to find out the truth, whether we wanted to or not.

      She appeared in front of us, almost magically, having won a magical snowball from the Kiosk. She placed in her messenger's tote bag and flashed a crazy smile. "Hey, guys," she said, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "How would you like to see the Snowager?"

      "Gosh, Mom, I'd love to, but..." Spirals stopped in mid sentence.

      "But what, hun?"

      "...Isn't the Snowager just a myth?"

      My owner grinned. "Follow me."

      We did as she told us to, and walked with her to a cave about thirty feet away. It was huge, not to mention beautiful. I pulled out my notepad and scribbled down my observations of this strange area, hoping to find out more about it. Suddenly, a chill ran down my spine --- and it wasn't from the cold. A noise --- an incredible noise --- had emitted from the cave. It sounded like a cross between a purr and a snore. Out of pure curiosity, I leaned in to see what was inside --- and I was shocked at what I saw.

      A huge, icy creature lay atop a mountain of trinkets, fast asleep. Scattered around the cave were valuables of the unimaginable. Neggs, potions, plushies --- I think I even saw a Meowclops scurry deeper into the icy abyss. Yeah, there was no doubt about it --- that was the Snowager. Before I could say anything, Mom had already bounded into the cave. That was just like her, jumping into everything head-on.

      Spirals and I almost cried out, but we stopped ourselves just in time. What if we awoke this great beast? Then our mother would be in grave danger. All we could do was wait and see if she returned in one piece.

      About five minutes passed. My sister and I were terrified. We tried to remain calm, but nerves got the best of us. I broke the silence. "I... I'll go find help!" I heard my voice crack. My sibling was about to give her approval before an ear-splitting scream was heard from the cave.

      "Mom!" Spirals and I screamed. This couldn't be... what was happening?!

      As if on cue, our owner bounded out of the cave as fast as she could. "RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S AWAKE! RUN!" She rushed past us, grabbing our arms and pulling us away. We ran all the way to the slushie shop, where we huddled behind the counter in fear.

      "Mom, Mom, we're so glad you're okay!" Spirals and I blabbered, still in shock. Mom didn't have a scratch on her, yet she was breathing heavily from all of the running.

      "...Mom..." I reached out for a hug. Spirals remained stationary, which seemed kind of odd to me. Our brunette guardian turned her head. She made a sound... it was a soft sound, but a sound nonetheless. I tried to make it out, since it sounded so familiar. Then it came to me.

      It was a snicker.

      I stared at my mother, dumbfounded. Apparently, my expression must have been hilarious, because she and Spirals burst out laughing. Horrified, my feelings warped from terror to anger. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" I roared, making them laugh harder.

      It took a while for the laughter to die down, around five minutes. Spirals wiped a tear from her cheek. "Hehehe, hehe, you actually fell for it!" My owner still had the giggles.

      "You... you mean it was all a joke?" I hissed. I had never been this furious in my life.

      "Yeah, sorry, Hara!" They both erupted into laughter again.

      I rubbed my temples, wondering why in the world my they would do something like this. Then, I realized, and mentally kicked myself for even asking the question.

      They were crazy. Insane beyond repair. And I was catching it. So much so that I started to chuckle as well. The chuckles evolved into laughter, which turned into hysterics. For some reason, I found this all strangely hilarious.

      Oh, no.

      It's contagious.

The End

 
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