40 Fortunes of the New Year
Ah, New Year. A time for new beginnings, new adventures, new discoveries. Also
an excellent time of year to invest in a turkey. Why? Why?! Don’t ask why, just
invest in a turkey. Trust me. You won’t regret it *winks*.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, New Year. The time of happiness, goodwill, and
resolutions that will be broken by Aisha Day. But still, New Year holds that
special something that no other time of the year can match. What am I speaking
of? Only the fantastic feeling of wonder at what will happen in the course of
the next 365 days!
Now, that crazy old Island Mystic thinks he can tell fortunes. Ha. I laugh
in his face! HA to you, mister I’m-so-wise-I-made-you-visit-me-every-day-for-a-month-before-I-gave-you-the-Mystic-avatar.
Fool, I told you I’d have my revenge…oh. You’re still here. Ha ha... now let’s
never speak of this again. I hereby present to you, drum roll please…
Neo_april’s Fortunes for Year 7!
1) Mika and Carassa will finally run out of junk in their igloo, pack their
bags, and move into Brucey’s War Tent.
2) The Pick Your Own patch at the Meri Acres Farm will turn into a giant nose,
then when innocent civilians feel the urge to pick some berries, the friendly
farmers will cry, “Aye, you’ll find more than berries in there lassie/laddie!
Har har har!” NOTE: Meri Acres Farm will NOT be overrun by snot-obsessed pirates.
3) Jhudora will realise that purple really does not look good on her, and invest
in some new clothes.
4) The Meerca in Meerca Chase will get sick of neggs, and demand to be fed
5) The smugglers will go on a decorating spree and redecorate the icky Fungus
Cave with sequins and pretty pretty flowers.
6) Neopians will take their hard-earned Krawk petpets to the Fungus Cave.
7) The Krawk petpets will eat the pretty pretty flowers.
8) Nothing will happen.
9) Krawks will cease to exist.
10) Neopia as we know it will fade away into the shadows of gloom and despair
without these creatures! *lets out long, anguished wail* Or, we could just rewind
back to #5 and guard the Fungus Cave with torches and pitchforks and charge
at the evil evil smugglers when they come with their evil evil sequins and flowers!
Yes. Good plan. Moving on.
11) The Brain Tree will gain so much knowledge its brain will explode, resulting
in the whole of the Haunted Woods being covered in a layer of icky brain goo.
12) PIES WILL LIVE
13) Representatives from the National Institute of Protection for Chubby Animals
will take Poogle 5 away from the Poogle Racing Track due to crude insults about
14) Dr. Sloth will spend every Saturday morning planting strange green seeds
while wearing his leopard skin hot pants.
15) Asparagus will slowly fade away into extinction… :)
16) The citizens of Neopia will stage a strike against doing any faerie quests.
17) The citizens will invade Faerieland with the torches and pitchforks they
borrowed from the Neopians in #10
18) Jubjubs will demand to have the first “Jub” dropped from their name (yes,
the first, not the second) and from then on be known simply as “Jubs”.
19) The like, totally radical EXTREME potato counter guy will like, annoy so
many people with his like, totally radical EXTREME way of talking that they
will like, turn around and like, throw the potatoes AT him, dude.
20) Unis will go bald.
21) The Wheel of Monotony man will demand a pay rise.
22) A couple of Neopians will actually pay attention to things the Island Mystic
says (no offence intended to any Island Mystic fanatics…*snigger*).
23) The Tug-O-War rope will fray.
24) Then snap.
25) Theibos, Khadir, Ramset, and Horak will sadly be unemployed. Brucey B.
will keep selling his war supplies. Unless Mika and Carassa have taken over.
26) A giant Meepit will eat Neopia Central, aka appetizing-looking giant burger.
27) The Kadoaties in the Kadoatery will get bored one night and perform a Broadway
28) All creatures in the land will fall to their knees and worship neo_apr
– how did that get in there?! Ahem.
29) The Pant Devil will repent from his evil ways, donate all his stolen goods
to the Money Tree, sing songs to the pets in the Pound, and help the Soup Faerie
in her kitchen.
30) Piles of Dung will start being sold at the Hidden Tower.
31) Dr. Sloth’s invasion attempt will involve large amounts of chilli.
32) Loyal Count Von Roo fans will camp out around his coffin awaiting the 24th
hour when he will awaken, only to discover he was in the giant hamburger that
the Meepit ate.
33) It will snow in the Lost Desert.
34) Bruces will migrate to the Lost Desert.
35) Brucey B. will see the rising Bruce population as a threat, and propose
war (what is it with him and war?).
36) Hannah will have some new competition! A radiant, flexible, multi-skilled
Jub (yes, Jub) named Gina will be starring in a new adventure called Gina and
the Rubbish Dump.
37) The Coconut Shy man/creature/neopet/thing will be crowned as The ULTIMATE
RULER OF THE UNIVERSE – just kidding!
38) It will be revealed that Lord Darigan spends all that time in his chambers
singing into his hairbrush and jiving around in his underpants to music from
39) The word “pwn” will become socially accepted, even at the Gourmet Bowls
40) It will be discovered that deep inside the Mysterious Symol Hole lives…
So there you have it. I, the O Wondrous One, have foretold the happenings of
our seventh year in Neopia. The universe is unfolding as it should, and all
shall be merry (unless you end up in the giant hamburger the Meepit’s gonna
eat…then you might want to consider hiring a lawyer). Make of these fortunes
what you wish, dear mortals, but take heed of my warning! Now is a GREAT time
of year to invest in a turkey.
Happy New Year Everyone!