Chet Flash wuz here Circulation: 91,590,388 Issue: 174 | 21st day of Sleeping, Y7
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40 Fortunes of the New Year


by neo_april

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Ah, New Year. A time for new beginnings, new adventures, new discoveries. Also an excellent time of year to invest in a turkey. Why? Why?! Don’t ask why, just invest in a turkey. Trust me. You won’t regret it *winks*.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, New Year. The time of happiness, goodwill, and resolutions that will be broken by Aisha Day. But still, New Year holds that special something that no other time of the year can match. What am I speaking of? Only the fantastic feeling of wonder at what will happen in the course of the next 365 days!

Now, that crazy old Island Mystic thinks he can tell fortunes. Ha. I laugh in his face! HA to you, mister I’m-so-wise-I-made-you-visit-me-every-day-for-a-month-before-I-gave-you-the-Mystic-avatar. Fool, I told you I’d have my revenge…oh. You’re still here. Ha ha... now let’s never speak of this again. I hereby present to you, drum roll please…

Neo_april’s Fortunes for Year 7!

1) Mika and Carassa will finally run out of junk in their igloo, pack their bags, and move into Brucey’s War Tent.

2) The Pick Your Own patch at the Meri Acres Farm will turn into a giant nose, then when innocent civilians feel the urge to pick some berries, the friendly farmers will cry, “Aye, you’ll find more than berries in there lassie/laddie! Har har har!” NOTE: Meri Acres Farm will NOT be overrun by snot-obsessed pirates. Yet.

3) Jhudora will realise that purple really does not look good on her, and invest in some new clothes.

4) The Meerca in Meerca Chase will get sick of neggs, and demand to be fed garlic.

5) The smugglers will go on a decorating spree and redecorate the icky Fungus Cave with sequins and pretty pretty flowers.

6) Neopians will take their hard-earned Krawk petpets to the Fungus Cave.

7) The Krawk petpets will eat the pretty pretty flowers.

8) Nothing will happen.

9) Krawks will cease to exist.

10) Neopia as we know it will fade away into the shadows of gloom and despair without these creatures! *lets out long, anguished wail* Or, we could just rewind back to #5 and guard the Fungus Cave with torches and pitchforks and charge at the evil evil smugglers when they come with their evil evil sequins and flowers! Yes. Good plan. Moving on.

11) The Brain Tree will gain so much knowledge its brain will explode, resulting in the whole of the Haunted Woods being covered in a layer of icky brain goo. Ew.

12) PIES WILL LIVE

13) Representatives from the National Institute of Protection for Chubby Animals will take Poogle 5 away from the Poogle Racing Track due to crude insults about his weight.

14) Dr. Sloth will spend every Saturday morning planting strange green seeds while wearing his leopard skin hot pants.

15) Asparagus will slowly fade away into extinction… :)

16) The citizens of Neopia will stage a strike against doing any faerie quests.

17) The citizens will invade Faerieland with the torches and pitchforks they borrowed from the Neopians in #10

18) Jubjubs will demand to have the first “Jub” dropped from their name (yes, the first, not the second) and from then on be known simply as “Jubs”.

19) The like, totally radical EXTREME potato counter guy will like, annoy so many people with his like, totally radical EXTREME way of talking that they will like, turn around and like, throw the potatoes AT him, dude.

20) Unis will go bald.

21) The Wheel of Monotony man will demand a pay rise.

22) A couple of Neopians will actually pay attention to things the Island Mystic says (no offence intended to any Island Mystic fanatics…*snigger*).

23) The Tug-O-War rope will fray.

24) Then snap.

25) Theibos, Khadir, Ramset, and Horak will sadly be unemployed. Brucey B. will keep selling his war supplies. Unless Mika and Carassa have taken over.

26) A giant Meepit will eat Neopia Central, aka appetizing-looking giant burger.

27) The Kadoaties in the Kadoatery will get bored one night and perform a Broadway musical.

28) All creatures in the land will fall to their knees and worship neo_apr – how did that get in there?! Ahem.

29) The Pant Devil will repent from his evil ways, donate all his stolen goods to the Money Tree, sing songs to the pets in the Pound, and help the Soup Faerie in her kitchen.

30) Piles of Dung will start being sold at the Hidden Tower.

31) Dr. Sloth’s invasion attempt will involve large amounts of chilli.

32) Loyal Count Von Roo fans will camp out around his coffin awaiting the 24th hour when he will awaken, only to discover he was in the giant hamburger that the Meepit ate.

33) It will snow in the Lost Desert.

34) Bruces will migrate to the Lost Desert.

35) Brucey B. will see the rising Bruce population as a threat, and propose war (what is it with him and war?).

36) Hannah will have some new competition! A radiant, flexible, multi-skilled Jub (yes, Jub) named Gina will be starring in a new adventure called Gina and the Rubbish Dump.

37) The Coconut Shy man/creature/neopet/thing will be crowned as The ULTIMATE RULER OF THE UNIVERSE – just kidding!

38) It will be revealed that Lord Darigan spends all that time in his chambers singing into his hairbrush and jiving around in his underpants to music from M*YNCI.

39) The word “pwn” will become socially accepted, even at the Gourmet Bowls Club.

40) It will be discovered that deep inside the Mysterious Symol Hole lives…

…a Symol.

So there you have it. I, the O Wondrous One, have foretold the happenings of our seventh year in Neopia. The universe is unfolding as it should, and all shall be merry (unless you end up in the giant hamburger the Meepit’s gonna eat…then you might want to consider hiring a lawyer). Make of these fortunes what you wish, dear mortals, but take heed of my warning! Now is a GREAT time of year to invest in a turkey.

Happy New Year Everyone!

 
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