There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 176,603,172 Issue: 422 | 11th day of Celebrating, Y11
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Neovision News Network: Incompetence


by dragon_imaginer

--------

Chexe Thorn: Good Neopians, this is Chexe Thorn, Neovision News anchor, reporting to you live from Faerieland!

Bombard Gurhan: WHAT!? FAERIELAND!?! You said we would report in Darigan Citadel!

Chexe Thorn: *clears throat* Please ignore the Ixi, my *cough* incompetent *cough* co-reporter.

Bombard: *glares at Chexe (Grarrl)*

Chexe: Hello, good viewers. Our headliner is titled 'The Pant Devil - Evil, or Lonely?'

Bombard: Bah, that was last week's report!

Chexe: Oh, oops. Pardon me, I seem to have lost the papers. *shuffles through documents*

Bombard: *hums impatiently, tapping fingers on desk*

Chexe: Found it! Here we are - 'The Swamp Witches!' This exclusive report can only be brought to you by-

Bombard: Yeah, yeah: The Carnival of Terror - 'compliments of Sidney'; The Meridell Bakery - 'delicious food whenever you want!'; and the Maraquan Underwater Fishing Hole; 'catch your Titanic Giant Squid today!' We get the picture.

Chexe: Okaaaaay... The swamp witches, Sophie and Edna, are possibly among the most famous Neopets in the Haunted Woods. Their magical traditions are legendary, their potions bizarre, and their demeanor... intriguing!

Bombard: Which is another word for 'incredibly impolite.'

Chexe: ... Anyways, a reporter has been sent to the Haunted Woods for an exclusive interview with the witches themselves. Yape, can you hear us? I heard a rumor that the Haunted Woods does not have satellites above it.

Yape: I can hear you loud and clear, Chexe. There are indeed satellites above the Haunted Woods; there are just a few patches where they do not work. I'm coming up to Sophie's Shack.

Sophie: What in the name of Feepit-?!

Yape: Excuse me, my lady, could you-

Sophie: Do NOT call me 'lady', you stupid Chia! I am a witch, not some powderpuffed school teacher!

Yape: *gulps* Okay, my apologies. Could you spare a moment to answer a few questions? I work for the Neovision News Network.

Sophie: *narrows eyes* That irritating channel with the Grarrl and the Ixi? At least the Ixi shows intelligence.

Yape: Yes, them. Do you have the time?

Sophie: What do you want to know?

Yape: What is your favorite part about being a witch?

Sophie: Definitely being able to work magic through potions and spellbooks. I can only speak for myself, but I'm pretty sure that if you asked Edna, she'd say turning people into Mortogs. *grins wryly*

Yape: What is the worst part?

Sophie: Ugh, it is absolutely the constant, annoying intrusions of Neopets asking for prizes from the Tale of Woe Plot. Thank goodness that it's all over now. I don't think I could stand another Neopet coming up asking for prizes. Is it not enough to simply feel good about yourself for saving an entire town! I should know - I was part of it!

Yape: Thank you for your time. Back to you, Chexe.

Chexe: Now, we will move on to the report with Edna!

Yape's radio signal: *bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt*

Chexe: Hmmmmm... All we're getting seems to be static. Perhaps the rumor was true.

Yape's radio signal: *bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt* *fuzzy Mortog croaking in background*

Bombard: It seems the interview with Edna went... well. *chuckles*

Chexe: *sigh* At least that's one less paycheck.

Bombard: So much for our headliner report.

Chexe: Now, back to business. Our station has recently acquired a vast number of requests concerning the castle in Faerieland, home to our most benevolent ally, the Faerie Queen, Fyora herself.

Bombard: Humph.

Chexe: a-HEM, Bombard. We are live here.

Bombard: *grumbles about a 'lower-class job'*

Chexe: The question remains - What is it really? Is it home to our beloved Faerie Queen? Or is there a dark secret waiting to be uncovered?

Bombard: We have a reporter on the scene just outside the castle, interviewing the locals. Take it away, Chet.

(Poogle reporter on screen) Chet: Thanks, BB. I'm standing here in front the famed castle interviewing passerby about their opinions on the castle.

Chexe: 'BB!' *scoffs*

Chet: Here comes someone now! Excuse me, sir! I am working for the Neovision News network. Do you have time for a few questions?

Faerie Bruce: Uh, sure. What is it?

Chet: *squints at notecard* What is your opinion on the Castle itself?

Faerie Bruce: Uh... it's pretty...

Chet: No, I mean what do you think is inside of it?

Faerie Bruce: Faeries... I think...

Chet: You 'think?' This is Faerieland!

Faerie Bruce: And... clouds?

Chet: *facepalm* The interior of a stone castle could not possibly contain clouds, which are merely suspended quantities of water at a low temperature. The atmosphere would not allow it.

Faerie Bruce: ...

Chet: *says through sharp, pointed teeth* Back to you, Chexe! (Before I lose my mind!)

Chexe: Well, looks like someone needs to spend more time doing their homework! Oh well. Sorry, viewers, that we could not bring you the report on Faerieland Castle requested. Up next, our exciting report on the dramatic decrease in the Stockmarket! Has the Neodaq Index gone insane??? Or is there something unusual to the way Neopians continue to lose money?

Bombard: *Slams down papers* THAT'S IT!!! I can't take it anymore!

Chexe: Bombard...?

Bombard: All we ever report on is BORING STUFF! I QUIT!!!

Chexe: You can't quit! You have to be fired by the Neovision News channel director! (Who is on an extended vacation in the Haunted Woods at the moment.)

Bombard: Just WATCH me! *hurls clipboard at Chexe*

Chexe: OW! Why you...

Bombard: *attacks*

Chexe: *attacks*

*Both roll in a jumbled ball of fur and scales, a vicious snarling filling the background*

Xweetok Secretary: Hey! Be careful around that equipment!

*CRASH!*

*screen goes fuzzy, then blares loudly and runs a test pattern*

Automated Recorded Voice: We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please wait while we try to restore your network connection. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

*screen flickers*

*Chexe and Bombard reappear on screen, bruised and covered in bandages*

Chexe: We are sorry for the (ow) momentary inconvenience. Our report shall continue as always.

Bombard: *rubs black eye absentmindedly*

Xweetok Secretary: *presses finger to hands-free Neophone in ear* uh-huh... yeah... oh no...

*turns it off* Um, guys? I just received a report from the security guard outside. Something about an angry mob?

Chexe: ...

Bombard: ...

Chexe (rushing): Well, I can see that our report has to be cut short due to external complications. Thank you for watching the Neovision News Network.

Bombard (grabbing all paperwork within reach): Yeah, thanks. *whispers to Xweetok Secretary* Got those Eyrie Cab tickets to Altador?

Xweetok Secretary: *nods*

Chexe, Bombard and Xweetok Secretary: *runs out of building*

...

...

*WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'THE CAMERA IS STILL ON!!!'*

Xweetok Secretary: *rushes back in and pushes unseen button on top of recording camera*

*Screen goes black*

Automated Recorded Voice: Thank you for watching the Neovision News Network. Your recording time has ended, so please redirect to another channel. Thank you.

 
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