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The Issue #336 Mystery


by ellbot1998

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Slorg. At the one word, enthusiastic breeders everywhere of the inexpensive yet highly popular petpet shout “SLORG!” The prissy Neopets/owners out there shudder at the thought of one of them sliding around the house, leaving‘putrid’ green goo everywhere. Some may think of their dear petpet, or that of a sibling. But few think of who greets us every time we seek infinite stories, articles and comics. That’s right, the Slorg on the front of the Neopian Times. Yes, the Slorg with a red crayon who is always looking to your right. He ALWAYS points with his crayon of doom (yes, of doom) to the header which you use to navigate to the other sections of the Times. ALWAYS to the right, never to the left... correct?

Well, if that’s what you think, think again.

In issue #336, he faces LEFT.

That’s right, LEFT.

I was stunned at this discovery, almost petrified. Why? Why would he ever want to look the other way? I observed every aspect of this Slorg and have produced several theories as to why this is. Now I present my eight theories:

Theory One: He got bored of his job.

That Slorg might have just gotten tired of standing at the front of the Times and representing Petpets in the How to Draw section. Maybe he wanted to mix things up a bit. Maybe even see how players would react. If he was trying to cause a buzz, it apparently didn’t work.

Theory Two: He wants to take over Neopia.

By doing something to make the issue #336 significant, all the writers in that issue will get an enormous amount of attention. When they put up with responding to the fan mail, their attention will be diverted from the GIANT ROCKET FROM OUTER SPACE CRUSHING THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD! (Don’t ask me how I knew that they all live in the same neighborhood or even how all those writers together could fit into one. Okay, fine, I read an article called The Issue #336 Mystery. As for the other thing, forget about it.) The writers will then beg for mercy after their homes are demolished, and he will accept. The writers will pledge to obey his every command! They will then be his army, and he will use it to conquer Neopia bit by bit!

Theory Three: He is warning us.

If you want to warn somebody of impending doom, you’ll have to get their attention first. As I said before, if he was clamoring for attention, it didn’t work. But now we know. But what could he possibly be warning us of? MAYBE IT’S JUST A HUGE COINCIDENCE THAT HIS CRAYON IS POINTING RIGHT AT THE WEEWOO JUST OUTSIDE THE MARGINS OF THE NT! There was already some conspiracy about the Weewoos and world domination, right? Better buy a Sturdy Petpet Cage for yours so it can’t DESTROY US ALL!

Theory Four: He wants to prove Neoschools are real.

I do not know how this would work, but the articles do speak of Neoschool. Maybe by changing his direction, Neopians would get confused. He would use this moment of our mental weakness to more easily MIND CONTROL us into believing Neoschools are real.

Theory Five: He wants to prove Jelly World is real.

How exactly would this work? Well, by pointing the direction to Jelly World, some crazy Neopians who actually believe in Jelly World would be able to find it, and scream “I TOLD YOU SO!!!” in the other guys’ faces. And then the OTHER guys would be the crazy ones. This could lead to another of the Slorg’s plans for world domination. While they were busy arguing about Jelly World and how it is scientifically impossible, the Slorg would conquer them in their moment of weakness. They will then beg for mercy and... Okay, we’ve already been through this.

Theory Six: It’s the only issue where he is actually facing the right direction.

It is possible that he is supposed to face left every issue, in which case every issue except #336 has him facing the wrong direction. I don’t have any idea why he decides to suddenly change sides (literally) and obey his superiors who direct him to face left every issue.

Theory Seven: He’s a rebel.

Maybe there is a different Slorg for each issue, and this particular one for #336 wants to be unique. Before you ask, yes, there are enough Slorgs in Neopia for hundreds of issues and counting. What are you, new? Oh, and also before you ask, your Carrot and Pea Omelette isn’t really mega rare.

Theory Eight: It was a joke.

It is a complete coincidence that the issue in which the Slorg faces the other way is an April Fools edition. I deny this theory completely. If the editor were to play a prank, it would have to be something EVERYBODY would notice. It couldn’t be a joke. Don’t you think the editor would have a best of the worst editorial?

Now the question of which theory is right comes along. I think that #3 is most accurate. There was a ton of rumors about Weewoos and world domination anyway, right? Besides, there is at least one reason for every other one of the theories why it’s incorrect if you think a bit. Jelly World and is obviously fake, #6 is too blatantly ridiculous to be true, Slorgs are too cute to take over Neopia, etc. etc. But #3 being true means that Weewoos are TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!! Readers, ready your battle pets. Ready your ten-icon weapons. Ready your 50% chance freezers. Ready your-

*crackle*

WE INTERRUPT THIS ARTICLE FOR AN IMPORTANT ANOUNCEMENT.

THIS ARTICLE LIES. WEEWOOS ARE NOT TAKING OVER NEOPIA. IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED THAT THE AUTHOR IS COMPLETLEY INSANE. DO NOT WORRY. THE SLORG FACING THE OTHER WAY IN ISSUE #336 WAS A JOKE FOR APRIL FOOLS. REST ASSURED THAT YOUR PETS AND BELONGINGS ARE SAFE. I REPEAT, NEOPIA IS IN NO WAY ENDANGERED BY WEEWOOS. PLEASE DO NOT BUY A STURDY PETPET CAGE FOR YOUR WEEWOO.

Mr. E. Woo, Founder of the Completely Unsuspicious World Domination Equipment and Torture Devices Company

1234 Evil Avenue, World Domination Lane, Haunted Woods

 
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