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Moustache Protection- Seven Things you Must Avoid


by macana

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For many pets it is a mere fantasy, but all long to achieve it. Dynasties have fallen due to the lack of one, and those who are blessed with it, flaunt it proudly to anybody they meet. The dream is possessing a great moustache. The lucky few which are graced with this extraordinary bit of facial hair cannot help but draw attention to it, either by styling it into a particular fashion or growing it to an incredible size. Yet each one of them has one thing in common; they are proud of their beautiful moustache.

There are many guides to joining the ranks of the moustachioed, but beware: each pet that possesses it is prone to waking up screaming in the middle of the night because they believe they have lost this incredible gift. That is the terror that plagues every owner of the moustache. Imagine the humiliation of walking through the neighbourhood without their prized possession gracing their face and illuminating the world around them. Without a moustache, a pet is just another Xweetok or Kacheek. This guide is to help the proud owner of a moustache avoid the terrible fate of losing their face’s crowning glory by alerting them to the potential dangers lurking in Neopia, waiting to rid them of their moustache.

7) The Pant Devil- It is a little known fact that this notorious thief is also very fond of stealing moustaches. Usually the owner is not aware that their moustache had been removed until it is too late. Our experts theorize that this is due to the villain’s inability to grow his own and thus developing an inferiority complex when confronted with a moustache. They go even further and claim that it is his lack of a moustache made him into the phantom thief that he is known as today. We have been unable to confirm whether this is true or not, but nevertheless, the proud moustache owner has to be careful. In order to distract the Pant Devil away from their moustache, you must carry around as many Pant Devil attractants as possible. There is no such thing as too many Pant Devil attractants as far as your moustache is concerned. Unless of course, there so many that the attractants actually cover your moustache!

6) Moltara- Ah, the wondrous land of technology, steam and... lava. The searing heat is one of the worst things you can expose yourself to, as it has the unfortunate side effect of burning your moustache. To avoid this gruesome end for your beloved facial hair, always visit Moltara with caution. That means no dips in the magma pool and worm hunting in full protective gear. Unless you are Roxton Colchester III himself, your moustache will surely burn if you slam into the hot rocks around the city.

5) Other facial decorations- You, dear reader, might think that a fancy mask looks excellent with your moustache but it is a sure-fire way to lose your precious facial hair. For some mysterious reason, pets can only have one single item on their face at a time, and if you try to put on anything else the first item will disappear. We at the Neopian Times do not know how this works and even our all-knowing experts just shrugged their shoulders when we asked them about this. Yet our advice still stands: let your moustache be the crowning glory of your face and don’t be tempted to over-dress with any other facial accessory. Besides, why would you want to distract people from your glorious moustache with a fancy mask anyway?

4) Maraqua- One of moustache’s many enemies is water and in Maraqua there is no shortage of it. A moustache exposed to water goes limp and lifeless, loses much of its shine and allure, and becomes a sorry soggy mess which clings to your face like an annoying Slorg. The shame of walking around with a wet moustache is great and even though your moustache will eventually dry off, it is unlikely that your neighbours will ever forget the pitiful sight of your humiliation. The only way to prevent wet damage is to wear a scuba suit, but then you will be forced to squeeze your moustache into the breathing mask, constricting it and bending it out of shape until it looks like an angry Walking Carpet that took up residence on your face. Best to avoid Maraqua altogether and stay on dry land.

3) The Battledome- A fairly obvious place to avoid, but considering the popularity of the Battledome it has to be mentioned. In the heat of battle your opponent can easily tear your beautiful moustache right off your face with a wide range of attacks, weapons and abilities. It equals the threat of Moltara and Maraqua combined, with fire and water being tossed around liberally. I won’t even go into detail about those terribly sharp swords and daggers, or, worst of all, the barbaric Sticky Hands. The recommendation is to stay away from it, for the sake of your lovely facial hair.

2) Restocking- Another popular pastime, which is very dangerous to moustaches. The rush for lucrative items such as a morphing potion or a rare weapon is great due to the good old laws of supply and demand. Many Neopians want to get rich quick and will do anything to get that super-rare item. In such a free-for all, you could lose your beautiful moustache instantly. At the very least, the mad buyers’ scramble will bend your moustache out of shape and result in an ugly creature which sticks out all across your face, looking like it is about to poke out somebody’s eye.

Fighting for the goods is not the only danger. Even the waiting can cripple your moustache as you sit in the shop with a look of boredom on your face. I am of course talking about playing with your moustache. It distresses the hair and bends it out of shape, achieving essentially the same effect as a rush for an item. You are in a no-win situation: a moustache will end up scruffy and ugly no matter what you do. The prize might be lucrative, but are those millions of neopoints you could earn from, say, a Darigan Draik morphing potion, really worth ruining your gorgeous moustache? Avoid restocks like Neopox. A beautiful moustache should be all you need in life.

1) Dr. Sloth- He just had to make the list, and he comes in at the number one spot for many good reasons. Dr. Sloth is a very traditional villain, one who will perform an evil laugh at a whim and put the heroes through a series of death traps so they won’t disrupt his plans again. But he is missing something very crucial, something all traditionalists must have: a black moustache to twirl. Just like the Pant Devil, Sloth just cannot grow his own. An underling who wishes to remain anonymous has told us that he has once caught Sloth reaching for his upper lip with the intention to twirl and immediately looking down in shame. “Subcommander T.Elve, You are forbidden to tell anyone about what you’ve just witnessed,” the evil mastermind said. This proves beyond any doubt that Dr. Sloth has a case of moustache envy and will not hesitate to steal or destroy your own treasured moustache!

The worst part is yet to come: there is simply no way to know when Dr. Sloth will show up to take your moustache. His minions are everywhere and are always on the lookout for gorgeous bits of facial hair to take to their master. The best you can do is stay in your home or in a place where Sloth’s lackeys are less likely to come knocking.

These are just some of the dangers that Neopia holds which can obliterate a beautiful moustache. We have done our best to provide you with tips and tricks to stay out of trouble and make sure that your beautiful facial hair stays where it belongs: on your face. Only those who are truly brave and dedicated can keep it there, but all Neopians unanimously agree that overturning your entire lifestyle for a glorious moustache is a noble and worthwhile goal.

 
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