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What Kind of Coffee Are You?


by autotune

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THE DEEP CATACOMBS – As one very wise Neopian once said, "Sleep is a poor Neopian's coffee." For the average Neoschool student or Neo-office worker, coffee is an integral part of the morning (and as some will tell you, the afternoon and evening as well). We simply can't live without it.

As you're reading this copy of your Neopian Times, what better beverage to enjoy it with than a nice cup of coffee? Personally, I would argue that coffee is a key component of what many have dubbed "the morning paper experience". Why, rumour has it that The Neopets Team likes coffee too! And it’s not difficult to see why. The aroma of coffee awakens the senses, its comforting taste soothes the nerves, its very existence pleases the stomach and warms the heart.

So, I love coffee. You love coffee. Sloth loves coffee! But what kind of coffee do you love the most? All of us have different opinions on what a great cup of coffee is all about. And has it ever occurred to you to think of yourself as a cup of coffee? Probably not. Well, if you’ve always wanted to know what Neopian coffee you most resemble, look no further than this questionnaire extraordinaire! Even if coffee isn't quite your cup of tea, this is still a (relatively) easy and (extremely) fun quiz to complete. So grab a pen/crayon/quill/marker and paper and get started!

1. Pick a fruit.

A. Apple

B. Banana

C. Combfruit

D. Dark Nova Fruit

2. Good! Now, what will you do with this fruit of yours?

A. Put it in the fridge.

B. Make fruity soup!

C. FRUIT BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D. World Domination... er... I mean... eat it? Yes.

3. What’s your favourite game?

A. Rink Runner.

B. Volcano Run!

C. Gadgadsgame! 8D

D. The Return of the Return of Dr. Sloth

5. Do you love the Neopian Times?

A. Sure do!

B. Totally!

C. Who doesn't?

D. Absolutely!

4. Apple pie rhymes with...

A. Shaved Ice!

B. Baked Rye!

C. Key Lime Pie!

D. Die—uhh, I mean, fly.

6. How many cups of coffee did you have this morning?

A. More than one.

B. I lost count.

C. I ate the cup!

D. I prefer my coffee in the evening.

7. How many apples were there in the apple pie from question 5? (Read the question carefully!)

A. Not enough.

B. Too little.

C. ...pie?

D. Pi?

8. You just noticed that questions 4 and 5 got mixed up, didn’t you?

A. Um...

B. Yeah.

C. You got me.

D. Of course not!

9. ... and you are laughing at yourself stupidly now.

A. Yes

B. Yes

C. Yes

D. Yes

10. Who’s your favourite Neopian villain?

A. Snow Beast

B. Lava Ghoul

C. Jelly Chia

D. Dr. Frank Sloth

11. How about your favourite Neopian hero?

A. Kayla

B. King Altador

C. The Easter Cybunny

D. The Happiness Faerie

12. And favourite band?

A. Jazzmosis

B. The Hikalakas

C. How’d you know I had a band?

D. Twisted Roses

13. What do you like to do on lazy Saturday afternoons?

A. Curl up with a book and a glass of water.

B. Hang out at the Mystery Island beach with some friends!

C. Create sculptures from potatoes and gravy.

D. Plotting with the Meepits

14. Your closet consists of...

A. A Grey Day Background, Green Skeith Pencil Case, Basic White Shirt, Ice Garland

B. Heart Shaped Sunglasses, Yellow Flower Print Shorts, Sun Burn, Summer Picnic

C. Appetising Caramel Apple, Fancy Fruit Hat, Ultra Fashionable Potato Sack

D. I Club Sloth T-Shirt, Spooky String Lights, Ghostkerscarf, Wings of Darkness

15. You’re robbing the National Neopian! You break the door open and shout:

A. Whoa, slow down. I would never rob the National Neopian.

B. HAND IT OVER! HAND IT OVER!

C. Oh, look, a Purple Spotted Cheese.

D. Prepare to surrender, fools!

16. You’re at a party and someone claims to have been to Jelly World! (Yeah, right.) You then proceed to...

A. Express polite disagreement, and support your point with relevant evidence from the editorials.

B. Engage in heated argument over its non-existence, and bring his/her sanity into question.

C. Stuff your face full!

D. Sneer patronizingly.

17. If you were a Weewoo, you’d be...

A. White

B. Pink

C. Happy

D. Mutant

18. Something has Happened! You’ve found 1 million Neopoints on the floor!

A. OMG!

B. OMG!

C. OMG!

D. OMG!

19. What are you going to do with them?

A. Stash them under the bed.

B. Share them with friends, or splurge.

C. Smash them with a hammer and spend the rest of my life packaging them into little bags and throwing them into the sea. Yup.

D. Straight into my World Domination fund. *shifty*

20. Why do you like Hot Dogs?

A. Why would you assume I do?

B. Because they taste nice, and they warm the heart. :)

C. MUSTARD! PICKLEZ! KETCHUP!

D. They make excellent insulators in Blasters.

21. What’s your favourite place to shop?

A. Igloo Garage Sale

B. Mystery Island Marketplace

C. Neopian Bazaar

D. Grundo Warehouse

22. And eat?

A. kelp

B. Pizzaroo

C. Alien Aisha Vending Machine

D. Neocola Machine (Of Doom)

23. Did you enjoy this quiz?

A. Totally.

B. Yes!

C. It was awesome!

D. Of course!

24. Are you keen on similar quizzes in the future?

A. Totally.

B. Yes!

C. It was awesome!

D. Of course!

25. Good! Now, for some more in-depth feedback: Why are you taking this quiz?

A. I was doing some reading out of boredom.

B. Came by recommendation.

C. I LOVE QUIZZES.

D. ...so that my adoring minions can learn how to make my coffee the way I like it.

-

Thank you for taking this quiz! Please wait one moment as our fancy Virtupets coffee-maker processes your results.

*beep beep*

... And here they are! Pour the coffee, pour the coffee!

If you answered—

Mostly As:

You are an Ice Blended Coffee! Cool and collected, you can appear aloof and haughty at times (especially to people you don’t know very well) but you’re really just shy on the inside. Quietly intelligent, you love reading and relaxing with close friends, but large crowds tend to make you a little nervous. Coffee-wise, you are a deliciously refreshing drink after a long day under the sun! The cooling sweetness is just perfect for soothing that parched throat or tending to those nasty sunburns.

Mostly Bs:

You are a Fiery Coffee! Fiercely loyal and independent, you can come across as a little overbearing and demanding at times. However, your friends all know you’re really just a kind-hearted big softie – all bark and no bite. You are passionate about many things and your temper often gets the best of you on a bad day. As a coffee, you’re the perfect antidote to a lousy day—just a sip will warm the heart and toes!

Mostly Cs:

You are a Negg Latte! Uh, what do I say about this one that hasn’t already been said a million times before by exasperated friends? You’re the epitome of randomness, craziness, tooty fruity... and everyone thinks you’re weird (and clinically insane to boot). But that’s okay, because who wants to be normal, anyway? You brighten lives with your quirky humour and crazy stunts involving various food particles, and your perpetual smile brings one to the faces of others, too!

Mostly Ds:

You are a Festering Coffee! People tend to give you a wide berth, and it isn’t hard to see why. There’s simply something scary... intimidating... sinister... or, quite simply, evil about you. It might be the tendency to burst into evil laughter at the most inappropriate moments, or the crazed obsession with World Dominance and Dr Sloth. Either way, you’re one scary cup of coffee. Not for the faint of stomach/heart.

And that concludes this aromatic quiz! Quite a pleasant one, if I may say so myself. ‘Tis always the season to spread some coffee cheer, aye?

So what are you waiting for? Head down to The Coffee Cave to grab a cup now! Present a copy of this questionnaire and receive your second coffee on the house! We’re located in the Deep Catacombs of Neopian Central, right next to the Art Gallery. This promotion is only valid until—

—What? No, no, that’s simply absurd. What do you mean, unauthorized advertising? What do you mean I distorted the—? This is a legitimate article with credible reporting! I demand that you—

—*ahem* Sorry about that, folks. Minor technical difficulties. Meanwhile, disregard the previous paragraph—we should be back in a sec (as soon as we revive the reporter)!

 
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