NT Fans, Attack!
DEEP CATACOMBS – I’m quite sure you’ve heard of the NT. If you haven’t, it is
really surprising that you’re actually reading this. Well, just for you people
who don’t know, NT stands for the Neopian Times, the name of this newspaper.
Today, in honor of the 175th issue of the Neopian Times, I’m here to talk about
the fandom of NT. For beginners, we’ll start with the definition in my non-Neopinglish
dictionary. Contrary to what you might think, they are actually useful even
though there are no definitions for Neopinglish yet.
Fan (n) – an enthusiastic admirer or supporter
Hmm… enthusiastic really describes it well. However, the degree of enthusiasm
might vary from person to person. If you’re reading this right now, that means
you’re at least interested in the NT. Try this little quiz below and see if
you qualify for the Ultimate Fan rank.
Short pop quiz here… Just answer yes or no to the question and note your answers.
Each yes is worth a point while no is worth zero. If you really want, take out
a scrap piece of paper and jot it down. Ready? Then let’s start!
1) Do you know the whole story behind the White Weewoo?
2) Do you know anything about Chet Flash?
3) Do you know who the NT editor is?
4) Do you know who writes the Editorial?
5) Do you know of the story of NT Issue 3?
6) Do you know the date when the first NT issue was released?
7) Do you know the biggest guild out there that is related to the NT?
8) Do you know about Mr. Shankly?
9) Do you know about the NT avatar and why it was released?
10) Do you know anything about the NT at all?
Well, that was it. Ten short little questions. Answer them right now. Now,
you’d better be honest here or you’ll only be cheating yourself. All done? Well,
count your points! (As stated before, every yes gives a point and no none.)
And then let us take a look at the result chart!
0 points: Good job! Continue reading this article and I’m sure you’ll
1-3 points: It isn’t too late to be saved. Just keep reading and you’ll
be catching up in no time at all.
4-6 points: You’re technically bordering the knowledge area. This is
7-9 points: Wow. You’re really into this. Well, I guess you can read
this if you really want to.
10 points: Insane. I don’t know why you are reading this right now (unless
I’ve got my poking thing in your back and want your criticism, that is), but
keep reading this for fun if you wish.
I hope you have determined your category. No 0.5 points, since you aren’t allowed
to say maybe. Having done the pop quiz, you’ll probably recognize the little
quirks and secrets of the Neopian Times. I’m not really here to tell you about
the Times, I’m here to tell you how to meet those people who are behind this
wonderful newspaper. If you wish for further information about the NT, please
look up ‘times’ in the search bar up there. (Use the word ‘Neopian’ and you’ll
get loads of items, probably too much for you to sort through. Trust me on that.)
Now then, that is out of the way, so shall we go on with the fandom, obsession
and insanity that seems to occur every now and then in the Times?
Now I’m going to tell you about how to bug your greatest idols and those seemingly
beyond-this-place people. Mind you, that text up there was the serious one.
If you don’t like the grim and staring eyes, keep reading. Below is a Twaddle
Steps guide to the Fandom of NT.
5 Easy Twaddle Steps
Step One: Read the Times. Really! Just let loose your reading spirit and see
how many items you’ll finish in one hour. Don’t mind those little words, just
keep reading. You’ll be good at this in one or two weeks. Practice hard! Read
the same thing three times and time it. Make sure you get a rate of 0.2231 seconds
per article, 0.432 seconds per short story, 0.968 seconds per part of a series
and 0.1734 seconds per comic. Otherwise you’re totally doomed to not finish
this wonderful newspaper ten times in one hour. Honestly.
Step Two: Go to the Neoboards – Neopian Writers. If you aren’t old enough,
skip this step and go to the next one. Well, for all of you who are old enough…
run, run, run! Type as fast as you can about the NT and see who replies. You
might have to wait awhile to find other fans that are as passionate as you.
No! Don’t go to any other boards! The quill there tells you that this is the
board to be in. Sit down and wait if you absolutely have to. Oh, and do step
one while you’re waiting, that’ll keep you busy.
Step Three: Take contact. Okay, so this was somewhat predictable…. Anyway,
go out there and write to those who wrote and got into the NT! That ought to
get you something to do after you’ve read the Times 243.8 times in a day. Send
a Neomail and say what you really think. Everybody loves getting mail, right?
Especially if it’s about something they’ve done! While you’re at it, read the
NT again and send a mail to all of them! The more the better! Now, just sit
back and relax, and feel proud of the fact that you managed to send 38 Neomails
in 32.9 seconds. Isn’t that just great?
Step Four: This is the thing for the ultimate fan to do. Go to the
NT and read all that stuff… not so fast this time. (Oh, that has got to be a
horrible nightmare!) Make sure you get the nice pictures and print it out! Yes,
the whole Times! Put them up in your room and cut out those little pixel images
and put them on your bedpost. At last, but not least, make a Neopian Times White
Weewoo Plushie at your sewing lesson! Now that’s what real fans do when they’ve
got the good ideas going. (And don’t forget to use a color printer!)
Step Five: For the finishing touch, get a trophy. Just to show that
you’re ultra-crazy about the Times, get a golden quill! There are two ways of
doing this. First, there is the good old way of actually writing something and
send it in. This isn’t really a reliable method since there are lots of other
people who are doing exactly the same thing as you – sending stuff in! You might
be doing this week after week and still not get in. Just forget it. Do it the
other way! You see those people with the little feathers? Go to their lookup
and take one. No, you’re just borrowing it, so there are no voices of conscience
nagging in your head. Be sure to ruffle them and hug them often to show that
you’re a big fan of the Times! (If you really have a sensitive sense of right
and wrong, just go to a NT help-page and take it from there.)
That’s it… No! I almost forgot! At last, but not at least, there is the golden
Golden Rule: lyke, u shoullld awlayys rite in chatspeak!1!!11!
There you have it. A whole article on how to be a dedicated NT fan…. Now just
go out there and do it!
Author’s Note: This article was not intended to be fully serious. The reader
has been reading this at his/her own risk and therefore, the author cannot be
held responsible for any mental damages to the reader. Any questions, comments
or concerns? The reader is welcome to Neomail the author. Happy 175th issue,
by the way.