An Interview with Florg
Welcome back, everyone! Today, I have a very special interview for my readers with none other than "Florg" of Feed Florg fame. Up until now, any interview has never been attempted, perhaps because of potential protesting from the Petpet Protection League, perhaps because of the threat of accidentally falling into that big mouth of his. However, I'm not ordinary interviewer and I'm happy to risk life and limb to bring you another fascinating and hopefully fun interview! The following is a transcript of the interview that took place:
"So, I like to start out my interviews by asking my subjects to go on the record about their names. Can you tell us all what we and myself especially should call you?" I ask, staring tentatively at the giant mutant Chia.
"My name is Froarrrg," replies the intimidating Chia.
"Florg?" I ask, hoping to clarify.
"It's Froarrrg," replies the mutant Chia.
"You know what? I'm just going to take that as a yes and move on. Florg it is," I say, trying to cut off Florg before that can escalate. "So, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?"
"Well, let me tell you: a lot of people know me as a hungry, hungry Chia, but there is a lot more to me than the numerous amount of petpets that I eat every day," replies Florg, matter-of-factly.
"Really? Please tell me what else there is to know about you? I'm sure my readers would be thrilled to find out more about the Chia behind the game," I reply, sensing an opportunity for a good scoop.
"Well, for one thing, sometimes I like to draw petpets, with me munching on them of course, and other times I like to day dream about eating petpets. I'm actually quite a deep thinker! Did you know that if I ate two Hasees in a row that that would be twice as many as just one hasee? That's really tasty, or, I mean, cool, isn't it?" asks the mutant Chia with a grin on his face. Of course, I can't help but put my palm to my face as I contemplate how I wanted to answer that question.
"Wow, that sounds really interesting," I reply, faking as much enthusiasm as I can, "I'm sure nobody is going to think you're just a giant petpet-eating mutant Chia now! While we're on that subject, though, do you mind if I ask you a question or two about the game that you're involved with, Feed Florg?"
"Sure! I love talking about eating petpets," replies Florg enthusiastically. Again, I put my face to my palm in frustration; clearly there was a reason that no one had thought to interview this mutant Chia before myself. However, I know I have to go on and thus I do!
"Well, Florg, a lot of players want to know why you always seem to go for the inconvenient petpet. A lot of players feel like when they try to save one petpet, you end up eating it, instead of the one they abandoned in hopes that you would eat it. What is up with that?" I ask, hoping to get an interesting reply.
"Wait, players are trying to save the pets?" asks Florg, sounding very confused.
"Yeah, well, the object of Feed Florg is exactly what the name sounds like. Players have to 'save' petpets from falling off the table so that you can have a chance at eating them," I reply, curious about how he did not even know the plot to his own game.
"Well, that does not sound very fun! Why would people try to save the petpets for me? Wouldn't they rather eat them instead?" asks what is starting to look like a very confused mutant Chia.
"Well, first of all, not every Neopian is a giant, mutant Chia with an appetite for exotic petpets, so, there's that. Second, the reason that many Neopians play Feed Florg is so that they can get the much coveted avatar that is associated with the game," I reply, hoping to clue Florg in a little bit.
"Wow! There's an avatar that goes along with my game? That's really neat! Well, to answer your question with another question, the game is called Feed Florg, right? It's not called 'Florg Saves the Day'? I eat the yummiest looking petpet on the table. It is about as simple as that!" replies Florg, still looking a little surprised about the avatar.
"Well, that certainly is insightful," I reply, not completely sure how to respond to that. "What do you have to say about claims by some Neopians that you, uh, cry a lot?"
"I don't cry," replies Florg defensively.
"I'm actually pretty sure that you do. You know, I wasn't going to say anything but I was actually playing Feed Florg just the other day and I'm positive that I saw you crying through most of it," I shoot back, hoping to confront him on the issue. All of the sudden, the strangest thing happens. Florg starts to look sad like he might cry right then in the interview but instead what happens is that he starts drooling of all things.
"Florg," I asked, tentatively, unsure of how to react to a giant, mutant Chia, drooling at the sight of you not five feet away from where you are standing, "what's wrong?"
"Well, I don't think I was ready to come out and admit this when we first started the interview but since you pushed me to this, I might as well just say it... I'm a mutant!" replies Florg, exclaiming mutant like it was some big, new thing to discover that this giant Chia was, in fact, a mutant.
"I don't understand, Florg. What does that have to do with anything?" I ask, looking for clarification.
"Well, you see, when I was zapped into the mutant that I am today, the crying was actually a side effect of the whole process. You see, that's not crying that you're watching; that's my drooling," replies Florg, confessing everything.
"You mean to say that when you drool, you cry, and when you cry, you drool," I ask.
"Yes, yes," replies Florg, breaking down a little bit, "it's awful and embarrassing, isn't it? I wish I could do something to control it but nothing works. With the way that those petpets dance for me on the table, I cannot help but start to drool." Not wanting to correct Florg about how those petpets are actually running for their lives, instead of dancing, in the middle of such an emotional breakthrough, I skip over that and try to comfort Florg.
"That's not embarrassing, Florg! You're a mutant after all, are you not? There were bound to be a couple things... different about you. You should be proud that you're a mutant! As far as mutations go, I don't really even think that that is all that bad," I reply, hoping to comfort Florg.
"You really think so?" asks Florg, looking a little more upbeat.
"Yeah! I really do think so!" I reply. With that remark, I brave one of my biggest fears and Florg and I proceed to hug each other. I tell him that I have to get going and with that, I start wandering around other parts of the Virtupets space station, looking for new stories.
Well, that's about it for today, folks! I hope you enjoyed learning about Florg as much as I enjoyed interviewing that giant, lovable mutant Chia. Sure, he may be a little obsessive about his petpets and I'm sure the Petpet Protection League may have a few things to say about that but with what we saw of Florg's sensitive side, how could you not warm up to that Chia if only a little? Well, that's all for now!