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Androcles' Guide To Taking Care Of Your Petpet


by twocents

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After sharing very successfully 400 Ways to Effectively Communicate with Your Petpet, I, Androcles the amazing Snow Candychan, decided that you Neopians needed even more education on petpets. So I welcome you to a very special second guide to teach you how to effectively take care of your petpet.

One: Picking the perfect petpet.

Surely, you understand that I simply can't leave this most important of steps up to your sole discretion. After all, you're the same idiots who wear things like leg warmers and carry tiny, ineffective umbrellas. Considering there are over 440 petpet species, it's clear that with such a wide variety available, you'd be incapable of selecting the finest one.

There we go, problem solved. Your new best friend for all of eternity is a wonderful Candychan! Trust me, there's no finer species, as I know from personal experience.

Two: Painting your new friend.

While Candychans are naturally beautiful creatures, you may want to consider asking your new owner petpet if they'd like to become an alternate color. If you don't know how to effectively communicate with your petpet, well, that's to be expected. You are just a Neopian, after all. I assure you, the sounds your new Candychan is making clearly indicate that he or she would like to be the color Snow.

Now, not only do you have the prettiest species in existence, you have a petpet of the prettiest color of the prettiest species in existence! You may not want to stare at him or her for too long, because clearly, your eyes and brain can't fully comprehend such beauty. It's best to limit your ogling periods to 15-minute intervals twice a day.

Three: Feeding your petpet.

Now, you might have been under the impression that petpets don't need to be fed, but if you expect your Candychan to live off of bellybutton lint and dust bunnies, then also expect to be kicked in the shins.

For your convenience, I have preset meals for you to make for breakfast, lunch and dinner with some snacks. Otherwise, it's clear your dear Candychan will starve. And you don't want the Petpet Protection League investigating your poor feeding skills, now do you?

Breakfast:

It's best if you start off your petpet with a full meal, so he or she can be healthy, awake and full of energy for the rest of the day. I personally recommend a Pretty Purple Princess Negg, as it will complement a nice night of beauty sleep quite well. To drink, the Fresh Fruit Goblet will also be pleasing to the pallet, especially when paired with the Negg.

Elevenses:

Around 11 a.m., your Candychan will surely have already been so busy with running around and making sure you don't accidentally grab a pair of scissors that he or she will be a little hungry and will need a small snack to tide him or herself over till lunch. The Chocolate Coated Blue Cheese is surprisingly good, despite the way it might sound, and is light enough to not spoil one's appetite.

Lunch:

Sometimes, Candychans do enjoy eating like commoners and lunch is the perfect time of day to do that. For the main meal, I suggest a Diamond Hot Dog because you common Neopians like hot dogs, yes? Thus, you can understand and appreciate the deliciousness of this one, although you may not have the taste buds to quite appreciate it like a Candychan would. No matter, though, that's why you're feeding it to your lovely petpet instead. Diet Big Gulp Neocola is simply the right sort of beverage to go with hot dogs, as the carbonation seems to go just exquisitely with the meat. Lunch is also a good time to indulge in a bit of a sweet dessert and a Magical Orange Chia Pop is the perfect choice. It's cold, which reminds a Candychan of home on Terror Mountain, and the sparkly look of it is visually appealing as well. And before you ask, no, a Non-Magical Orange Chia Pop simply will not be an acceptable alternative. If the Magical Orange Chia Pop is a bit too rich for your tastes, then I suppose I will allow you to offer your Candychan a Thornberry Chia Pop instead. No other substitutes are welcome.

Mid-afternoon snack:

Fish Doughnutfruits are such lovely and unusual tropical foods that they make the most wonderful mid-afternoon snack. They have all the wonderful qualities of both a doughnut and a fruit with the health of fish. To wash it down, the Bubbling Kraku Thickshake is a tasty treat and the sweetness of the drink complements the saltiness of the Fish Doughnutfruit.

Dinner:

After a long, hard day, a full meal is perfectly suiting for a busy Candychan! Capn Threelegs Cutlass Crusade includes steak, potato and asparagus, making it simply the only option, really, for your Candychan's dinner. While you select the right cut of steak from the Golden Dubloon, I also suggest that you pick up some Hogshead, as it is the only beverage that truly goes well with Capn Threelegs Cutlass Crusade. For dessert, chocolate is always the best option, and I recommend the Chocoon, as only a true chocolate lover would eat. If your Candychan is a little full, though, the Choco Spray is a delicious, but much lighter, alternative.

Four: Living arrangements.

In order to make your Candychan feel most at home, you need to have a place for him or her to sleep! I'd think this was obvious, but one can never be sure with you Neopians. The message you want to convey is that you love having your Candychan with you and that you want him or her to be comfortable. For these reasons, only one bed fits that criteria: the Jelly Bed!

It's squishy, which allows it to mold to any petpet's body, and it can fold up nicely, so as to not get in the way of any of the Candychan's other possessions. If you already have a Jelly Bed, then it was quite nice of you to let your Candychan take it for him or herself, as any loving owner would do. For your sleeping arrangements, might I suggest that you curl up in a Mouldy Petpet Bed? One night in that and you'll understand why it's necessary to not stuff your faithful Candychan in one.

Some other items you might, scratch that, should and will get for your Candychan include the Petpet Bone, Petpetpet Eating Plant, Fair Maiden Usuki Poster, and Mysterious Book.

The Petpetpet Eating Plant is good to keep any pesky petpetpets away from your Candychan. Petpetpets bite, itch and are cruel, cruel beings. I can understand why they'd want to come near a lovely Snow Candychan, but it's your duty as an idiot pretending to be a responsible Neopian to protect him or her from such dangers. The Fair Maiden Usuki Poster is gorgeous and is best to brighten up the Candychan's new space. It screams beauty and is much more appealing for a petpet to look at rather than your sad face. Finally, Candychans are very mysterious and intelligent beings, and the book suits both of those needs. If you're wondering why I didn't cover the Petpet Bone, it's part of our universal "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Enough said.

And there you have it! Another wonderfully helpful, step-by-step guide to assist you in not only selecting a wonderful petpet, but taking care of him or her. If you follow these steps precisely, your petpet may almost not hate you as a result.

As a side note, if for some reason, it occurred to you that all of the items listed in this guide are quite expensive, then I commend you for being well acquainted with the Shop Wizard. I'd explain further, but having the capacity to count doesn't indicate a capacity to comprehend. You'll simply have to trust my impeccable instincts.

If you have any further questions, you can mail them to the Negg Faerie. I'll reply eventually.

Until then, Androcles.

 
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