Item Descriptions For The Alternative Neopian: A Fifth Helping
By too_kule and simsman24000
As taken from an actually Instant Messenger conversation . . .
TK : Er... yes?
Sims: Let’s write another Item Descriptions article.
TK: Simmy, Simmy, Simmy... I’m retired!
Sims: So? You can come write an article! It’ll be fun.
Sims: Aw, why not?
TK: Because once I start, I won’t stop.
Sims: That’s your problem, not mine. Write!
Sims: C’mon! Just come back for one!
TK: I come back for none.
TK: No :P
Sims: Steam Jug
Sims: The step that comes after you salt Jug and put Jug in a pot.
Sims: Don’t you remember that humor? Don’t ya? It’s a joke!
Sims: C’mon, everybody laugh at the funny funny joke. Haha!
TK: Maybe if it wasn’t a TERRIBLE joke.
Sims: ... I’m not laughing. :(
TK: That’s good. One might find you odd if you laughed at normal statements.
Sims: So you’re not gonna write with me?
TK: Tell you what. You write it yourself, and if it’s good, I’ll come
TK: Okay, here’s the deal. I’ll come back for this one article, if
you write the intro.
Sims: Oy, humbug. I’m horrible with intros.
Sims: So will you help me write any of it?
Sims: Too late, sucker.
Bowl of Yuck
Number Six Plushie
Much to everyone’s surprise, it’s a plushie of a middle-aged male. Not of the
Again, the name bears no resemblance to what the plushie is actually of....
Uni Races Usuki Set
AND THEY’RE OFF! Uni is in front, but Usuki Set is in a close second!
The usual response you’ll hear when you interrupt an artistic Tyrannian Wocky.
The usual response you’ll hear when you interrupt an entrepreneur Tyrannian
The usual response you'll hear when you interrupt a... err... nevermind.
Lightning Bolt Lollypop
Go ahead. Eat it. It’ll be funny.
The perfect defense in case your space bar, erm... flies up somehow...
The only snowball that’s been kind to its mother since birth.
Bracers of Defense
With a typo, it could be an orthodontist’s worst nightmare.
Ring of Weightlessness
One ring to weigh them all...
Quadratic equations on Mystery Island.
Perfect for, erm... bzzting someone.
All those months at the gym finally paid off!
Very Stale Bread
Bread that’s rock-hard.
Very Very Stale Bread
Bread that’s rock-harder.
Wow... it must’ve just seen TK...
Because we all hate those dang pockets...
It’s Valentine’s! GET AWAY!
Starry Paint Brush Plushie
If you had a sister named Starry, and you had a Kadoatie named Brush, and you
wanted that Kadoatie to be painted Plushie, and you couldn’t do it yourself,
then... well, you know.
Starry Paint Brush
A less-specific command that leaves open more possibilities.
Because of a string of lawsuits the Negg Faerie has had to face, this item
has been changed to "Nondenominational-Winter-Holiday-Held-Sometime-During-December
Negg." Just rolls right off the tongue, eh?
Commander and the leader....
The biggest, most muscular, masculine good-looking plushie around.
Cup of Hot Borovan
Sounds like somebody's got a bit of an ego.
Iced Borovan Cake
Proving that nobody can spam their love of fifteen year old NT writers on the
Neoboards without due punishment.
OMG IT’S ERUPTING! RUNNNNN!
The RP Petpet of kissing.
Spotted Grundo Morphing Potion
... and they bought it.
Mynci Banana Blade
Rich in potassium, calcium, and terminal wounds.
The two words that sparked the creation of the the KAU (Kitchen Appliances'
With a little spelling change, you've got your first Desperate Codestone.
Flaming Scorchio Battle Boots
Runner-up to Ruben Vase.
The Korbat Who Couldnt Hang
The tragic tale of a Korbat who, despite his best efforts, just couldn't master
Dieter Action Figure
When you press the button on its back, it refuses food! (Only works when pronounced
Gwyneth's appetite got the best of her.
Courtney gave in, too.
Hot Dog Sundae
And then fire got dumped on it and they turned all charred-like so to win the
competition she had to use Baby Ear Medicine on the other dishes and... oh,
enough pop culture references? Gotcha.
Blue Moon Sundae
I would say that you only have this once in a blue moon, but that just wouldn’t
be funny, so instead I’m just going to say nothing.
Sims wanted to have a bath with his "pet fishy"... and now he lives no more.
Will power, TK. Will power.
Nah, 'cause then they wouldn't accept the article...
In case you need to revive any dead dewberries.
Another adjective for TK.
Little Witch Usuki *ahem* Double-you equals bee.
Rebuild Maraqua Poster
How, you ask? I suggest tape and scissors.
I don’t even have to make a joke about this one.
Zephiea the Nature Lover
Caring For Your Spardel
Yeah, you'd definitely need a book to learn how to give a dang about anything
Minor Defence Scroll
When you only need to defend yourself from death just a little bit. Just a
Potty training made easy.
Snowager Scale (TCG)
If you don't reach your monthly weight goal, it devours you and all you hold
dear. Now that's motivation.
Nobody else is allowed to do an item description article. NOBODY.
Chapter IV: The Glories of the Baseball Bat.
To life, to life, chaim!
Mark of Ta-Kutep
Wow. Ta-Kutep. TK. His real name is Mark. WOAH.
Wow. Sims Smells. Sims. He really does smell. WOAH.
Better Than You contestants are known for their harsh mistreatment of slamming
Petpets when they want to answer a question.
The perfect weapon for those folks who simply ARE MORONS.
Ever wanted to get special access to one of Sims's parties? Yeah, me neither.
Best Friend Card
What kind of weirdo would befriend a card? Property of Tracypaper12.
Little Book of Puzzles
Sure, it may be little, but as we all know, the little things in life are the
ones that mean so . . . well, little.
They’re selling whiplash for 5000 NP at the Shop Wizard!? I suppose that means
I’d better get me two.
Lemon Meringue Tea
Joke? Oh, no, I copped out on this one. Just think of something unnecessarily
violent or cruel or morally corrupting or just not funny at all and I’m sure
it’s exactly the same.
Strawberry Fields Forever Paint Brush
Yeah, right there next to the Blackbird Paint Brush, the Moonlight Bay Paint
Brush and the Yellow Submarine Paint Brush. . .
Jelly Bean Stocking
Economy Jelly Beans plunges down to 4 NP whilst Wartroot Jelly Beans remains
steady at 12. Doesn’t get more exciting than this. I guess. Maybe. Eh.
Smiley Pizza Slice
There’s only one left. How... depressing.
Sounds like something a caveman with a pyromaniacal complex would say.
Dazzling Shield of Light
‘Cause, y’know, that’s what you want when you’ve got that bulging, axe-wielding
Skeith lunging at you. Electromagnetic radiation.
Armin the Small
So Sims named him Armin, eh?
Much better. Nobody would come within ten feet of something that smells like
Entirely incapable of showing your reflection, making it perfect for those
with juggernaut-like acne. Like Sims.
A rare, limited edition plushie that was only attainable through a special
code. Oh, not to mention a plushie released on Snowager Day with a Rarity 90.
Whoops, it seems like somebody made an uh-oh.
Seasonal Gift Box
Just like the regular Gift Box but with a bit of red ribbon. How very seasonal.
Wormy Jam Sandwich
But I hate jam.
Neopian Times Coin
Neopian x Coin = Lame Joke
Kick it and it squeals in blinding fury.
TK: And Sims’s lack of consideration strikes again. It seems like yours
truly is left to write the conclusion by himself yet another time. Yes, I could
- no, should - use this as an opportunity to make rude jokes behind his
back, but I won’t. I’m a bigger person than that. I wouldn’t do something like
that to such a annoying, smelly, naive person. So until he reads this and wrings my neck for it, this is too_kule,
signing off from wherever I may be. Over and out - and the same from Simmy,