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Item Descriptions For The Alternative Neopian: A Fifth Helping

by too_kule


By too_kule and simsman24000

As taken from an actually Instant Messenger conversation . . .

Sims: D00d.

TK : Er... yes?

Sims: Let’s write another Item Descriptions article.

TK: Simmy, Simmy, Simmy... I’m retired!

Sims: So? You can come write an article! It’ll be fun.

TK: No.

Sims: Aw, why not?

TK: Because once I start, I won’t stop.

Sims: That’s your problem, not mine. Write!

TK: ...

Sims: C’mon! Just come back for one!

TK: I come back for none.

Sims: Pleeeeeease?

TK: No :P

Sims: Steam Jug

Sims: The step that comes after you salt Jug and put Jug in a pot.

Sims: Don’t you remember that humor? Don’t ya? It’s a joke!

Sims: C’mon, everybody laugh at the funny funny joke. Haha!

TK: Maybe if it wasn’t a TERRIBLE joke.

Sims: ... I’m not laughing. :(

TK: That’s good. One might find you odd if you laughed at normal statements.

Sims: So you’re not gonna write with me?

TK: Tell you what. You write it yourself, and if it’s good, I’ll come back.

Sims: Really?!

TK: No.

TK: Okay, here’s the deal. I’ll come back for this one article, if you write the intro.

Sims: Oy, humbug. I’m horrible with intros.

TK: Exactly.

Sims: So will you help me write any of it?

TK: Nope.

Sims: Too late, sucker.


Bowl of Yuck


Number Six Plushie

Much to everyone’s surprise, it’s a plushie of a middle-aged male. Not of the number six.

Poptart Plushie

Again, the name bears no resemblance to what the plushie is actually of....

Uni Races Usuki Set

AND THEY’RE OFF! Uni is in front, but Usuki Set is in a close second!

Wocky Painting

The usual response you’ll hear when you interrupt an artistic Tyrannian Wocky.

Wocky Stocking

The usual response you’ll hear when you interrupt an entrepreneur Tyrannian Wocky.

Wocky Meringue

The usual response you'll hear when you interrupt a... err... nevermind.

Lightning Bolt Lollypop

Go ahead. Eat it. It’ll be funny.

Space Shield

The perfect defense in case your space bar, erm... flies up somehow...

Good Snowball

The only snowball that’s been kind to its mother since birth.

Bracers of Defense

With a typo, it could be an orthodontist’s worst nightmare.

Ring of Weightlessness

One ring to weigh them all...


Quadratic equations on Mystery Island.

Bzzt Blaster

Perfect for, erm... bzzting someone.

Ripped Skarl

All those months at the gym finally paid off!

Very Stale Bread

Bread that’s rock-hard.

Very Very Stale Bread

Bread that’s rock-harder.

White Gruslen

Wow... it must’ve just seen TK...

Pocket Blaster

Because we all hate those dang pockets...

Valentines Muffin

It’s Valentine’s! GET AWAY!

Starry Paint Brush Plushie

If you had a sister named Starry, and you had a Kadoatie named Brush, and you wanted that Kadoatie to be painted Plushie, and you couldn’t do it yourself, then... well, you know.

Starry Paint Brush

A less-specific command that leaves open more possibilities.

Christmas Negg

Because of a string of lawsuits the Negg Faerie has had to face, this item has been changed to "Nondenominational-Winter-Holiday-Held-Sometime-During-December Negg." Just rolls right off the tongue, eh?


Commander and the leader....

Tiki Plushie

The biggest, most muscular, masculine good-looking plushie around.

TK Plushie

Not... that.

Cup of Hot Borovan

Sounds like somebody's got a bit of an ego.

Iced Borovan Cake

Proving that nobody can spam their love of fifteen year old NT writers on the Neoboards without due punishment.

Borovan Pavlova



The RP Petpet of kissing.

Spotted Grundo Morphing Potion

... and they bought it.

Mynci Banana Blade

Rich in potassium, calcium, and terminal wounds.

Fire Toaster

The two words that sparked the creation of the the KAU (Kitchen Appliances' Union.)

Bri Codestone

With a little spelling change, you've got your first Desperate Codestone.

Flaming Scorchio Battle Boots

Flamboyantly powerful.

Clay Vase

Runner-up to Ruben Vase.

The Korbat Who Couldnt Hang

The tragic tale of a Korbat who, despite his best efforts, just couldn't master vernacular English.

Dieter Action Figure

When you press the button on its back, it refuses food! (Only works when pronounced wrong.)

Apple Pie

Gwyneth's appetite got the best of her.

Coco NeoCrunch

Courtney gave in, too.

Hot Dog Sundae

And then fire got dumped on it and they turned all charred-like so to win the competition she had to use Baby Ear Medicine on the other dishes and... oh, enough pop culture references? Gotcha.

Blue Moon Sundae

I would say that you only have this once in a blue moon, but that just wouldn’t be funny, so instead I’m just going to say nothing.

Bass Guitar

Sims wanted to have a bath with his "pet fishy"... and now he lives no more.


Will power, TK. Will power.

Moon Staff

Nah, 'cause then they wouldn't accept the article...

Dewberry Reviver

In case you need to revive any dead dewberries.


Another adjective for TK.

Little Witch Usuki *ahem* Double-you equals bee.

Rebuild Maraqua Poster

How, you ask? I suggest tape and scissors.

Meepie Tree

I don’t even have to make a joke about this one.

Zephiea the Nature Lover

*cough* Tree-hugger.

Caring For Your Spardel

Yeah, you'd definitely need a book to learn how to give a dang about anything that ugly...

Minor Defence Scroll

When you only need to defend yourself from death just a little bit. Just a little.

GoGoGo Handbook

Potty training made easy.

Snowager Scale (TCG)

If you don't reach your monthly weight goal, it devours you and all you hold dear. Now that's motivation.

Selfishness (TCG)

Nobody else is allowed to do an item description article. NOBODY.

Beating Sloth

Chapter IV: The Glories of the Baseball Bat.

Fyora’s Blessing

To life, to life, chaim!

Mark of Ta-Kutep

Wow. Ta-Kutep. TK. His real name is Mark. WOAH.

Sims Smells

Wow. Sims Smells. Sims. He really does smell. WOAH.


Better Than You contestants are known for their harsh mistreatment of slamming Petpets when they want to answer a question.

Battle Quill

The perfect weapon for those folks who simply ARE MORONS.

Reject Card

Ever wanted to get special access to one of Sims's parties? Yeah, me neither.

Best Friend Card

What kind of weirdo would befriend a card? Property of Tracypaper12.

Little Book of Puzzles

Sure, it may be little, but as we all know, the little things in life are the ones that mean so . . . well, little.


They’re selling whiplash for 5000 NP at the Shop Wizard!? I suppose that means I’d better get me two.

Lemon Meringue Tea

Joke? Oh, no, I copped out on this one. Just think of something unnecessarily violent or cruel or morally corrupting or just not funny at all and I’m sure it’s exactly the same.

Strawberry Fields Forever Paint Brush

Yeah, right there next to the Blackbird Paint Brush, the Moonlight Bay Paint Brush and the Yellow Submarine Paint Brush. . .

Jelly Bean Stocking

Economy Jelly Beans plunges down to 4 NP whilst Wartroot Jelly Beans remains steady at 12. Doesn’t get more exciting than this. I guess. Maybe. Eh.

Smiley Pizza Slice

There’s only one left. How... depressing.

Grog Light

Sounds like something a caveman with a pyromaniacal complex would say.

Dazzling Shield of Light

‘Cause, y’know, that’s what you want when you’ve got that bulging, axe-wielding Skeith lunging at you. Electromagnetic radiation.

Armin the Small

So Sims named him Armin, eh?

Esophagor Shield

Much better. Nobody would come within ten feet of something that smells like that.

Melting Mirror

Entirely incapable of showing your reflection, making it perfect for those with juggernaut-like acne. Like Sims.

Snowager Plushie

A rare, limited edition plushie that was only attainable through a special code. Oh, not to mention a plushie released on Snowager Day with a Rarity 90. Whoops, it seems like somebody made an uh-oh.

Seasonal Gift Box

Just like the regular Gift Box but with a bit of red ribbon. How very seasonal.

Wormy Jam Sandwich

But I hate jam.

Neopian Times Coin

Neopian x Coin = Lame Joke

Sack Plant

Kick it and it squeals in blinding fury.


TK: And Sims’s lack of consideration strikes again. It seems like yours truly is left to write the conclusion by himself yet another time. Yes, I could - no, should - use this as an opportunity to make rude jokes behind his back, but I won’t. I’m a bigger person than that. I wouldn’t do something like that to such a annoying, smelly, naive person. So until he reads this and wrings my neck for it, this is too_kule, signing off from wherever I may be. Over and out - and the same from Simmy, too.

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