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Rejection Letters


by cosmicfire918

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The Most Esteemed Princess Amira, Heiress of the Northern Kingdoms of Sakhmet, Sovereign of the Desert Winds,

     It is with utmost and sincerest apology that I, King Jazan of Qasala, write to you to beg forgiveness for my utterly untoward acts in the last half of Year 7. I fully admit to my uncouth forwardness in gaining audience with you through unscrupulous means and burdening you with my unpleasant conversation and brusque mannerisms. I have also been made aware that you dislike my eyeliner, a fact that, had I been aware of it before our untimely meeting, I would have acted upon with utmost haste.

     I also apologize profusely for the other myriad inconveniences I put you through, including but not limited to: holding your entire city ransom in a dimension of mummified undead, attempting to force your hand in order to break a petty centuries-old curse upon my suffering kingdom, and unwittingly setting my malevolently insane father upon your fair city, resulting in its near destruction.

     However, years have passed since these events and it is my sincere hope that we can both agree to put such misdemeanors behind us. As a token of my humble contrition, please accept the two hundred kilogrammes of finest Kiko Lake chocolate accompanying this letter, kept in unmelted and pristine condition for your enjoyment by precisely fifty-three Ice Motes which are also yours to keep. I must request the seventeen Elephante footmen return to Qasala, however, as Nabile has decided to rearrange the furniture in the arboretum.

     Unpretentiously yours,

     King Jazan of Qasala

     ***

     King Jazan,

     Your letter arrived at a most inopportune time, as it found me in the middle of re-drafting a treaty with Maraqua, discussing highly important trade agreements concerning Coral Cake imports. The Weewoo was promptly chastised, and then thrown back from whence it came. I kindly ask that in the future you train more competent delivery Petpets.

     I also ask that you not take this reply as a proof of acceptance of your apology. I wish to have it firmly known, from henceforth, forever, and always, that I have never accepted anything from you, including bribery, threats, dramatic entrances, and tacky rings. This is a record I wish to remain standing. As a matter of fact, our correspondence has inspired me to commission an obelisk to be erected on the Sakhmet palace grounds, which firmly states the previous in stone. I have also scheduled a ceremony to have added to my royal epithets the name "Eternal Repudiator" so there will no longer be any doubt on the matter.

      The palace Seti found the chocolate to be decidedly not to their liking. One of them threw up in my sandal.

     Regards of some temperature,

     Princess Amira of Sakhmet

     ***

     Most Gracious Princess Amira, Grand Commander of the Sakhmet Legion, Subduer of Sands, Empress of the Two Rivers,

     I am quite sorry to hear about the unfortunate demise of so much expensive chocolate. I can only hope that at least some small whiff of its exquisite scent reached your regal nostrils. I do feel the need to point out that the chocolate was at Nabile's suggestion, but I am rather loathe to blame her for any of my blunders in our correspondence. Chocolate, however, does seem to work much better on her. My greatest apologies if you happen to be allergic.

     It is with renewed vigour and all due respect that I now write to invite you to a banquet in your honour in two weeks' time. Please know that this is a most generous undertaking on my part, as I have a habit of eschewing such raucous social events, much to Nabile's displeasure. For this feast, however, I have pulled out all of the figurative stops. My palace chefs are composing the extensive menu and ordering goods from all over Neopia as I write this. Nabile has dipped rather deep into our treasury to obtain lavish d├ęcor and transform the entire palace into a fantasy the likes of which I doubt has been seen in the entire Lost Desert.

     I have invited many guests of utmost eminence, including Fyora, the entire Altadorian Council, the Emperor of Shenkuu and his daughters, and King Hagan. Care was taken to diplomatically avoid the invitation of other eminent Neopians whose etiquette I judge would offend your delicate sensibilities. You shall have no fear of running into King Skarl, King Roo, or any member of the Tyrannian Council at this event. Special precaution was undertaken to ensure that one Hanso is not even aware of the banquet. I can only hope that you have never had to endure meeting him, as he is more difficult to get rid of than a clingy Spardel. Based on my observations I believe he has about the same amount of brain capacity.

     Hoping with all due continued penance to honour you there,

     King Jazan of Qasala

     ***

     King Jazan,

     Once again your correspondence comes with unbelievably poor timing, as I was in the middle of a wonderfully fragrant bath. I am led to believe this is some sort of prank on your part. The royal person is not amused. Additionally, the palace is now employing the use of Meridellian trebuchets to gently launch your delivery Weewoos in a southward direction. I am sure they appreciate the complementary ride.

     Considering how deliriously happy you were to barge into my throne room nine years ago and put on a grand tantrum when escorted from my presence, I find it difficult to believe that you "have a habit of eschewing such raucous social events", as you so quaintly put it. Were you bereft of attention as a child, perhaps?

     I feel no regret in informing you that I cannot attend your banquet, as I have a most important appointment approaching and will be unavailable for the next three weeks. In my place, I shall send a pair of my representatives. Any king worth his salt would know that to treat royal representatives with respect is akin to deferring to the ruler herself. I look forward to your correspondence on how the evening proceeds.

     Please do give Nabile my regards. She is a woman of incredible patience and composure. I feel that I owe her some form of communication once in a while, since she is my somethingth-cousin-thrice-removed.

     Prithee, do not take that statement as permission to attend any of our family reunions.

     With as much sincerity as I can muster,

     Princess Amira of Sakhmet

     ***

     Utterly Supernal Princess Amira, Flower of the Desert, Governess of the Floodwaters,

     Last night's banquet in your honour was nothing short of eventful, to say the least. I fully admit it would not have been the same in the absence of your two esteemed representatives, those debonair nobles, Advisor Wessle and Senator Palpus.

     On an unrelated note, it would be ever so kind of you to ask your palace apothecaries if they know any effective migraine remedies.

     You asked for a report of the evening's proceedings and I am all too happy to deliver. Perhaps it is fortunate that you did not attend, after all, as Hanso somehow managed to gain entrance despite my orders to the palace guards to firmly detain all blue Ixi thieves. Due to some grace of the Faeries, however, he only spent a mere two hours bothering me and then moved on to hobnob with Advisor Wessle. The two were inseparable for the rest of the evening, engaging in such delightful activities as whispering furtively in shadowy corners, cutting unscrupulous deals with the other guests, and attempting to arrange at least five coups and three assassinations.

     I was assured by Wessle that this is perfectly normal Sakmetian party fare.

     On further thought, perhaps it is fortuitous that we did not join our kingdoms.

     Senator Palpus, meanwhile, made himself immediately known as a combination gourmand and performance artist as he proceeded to devour an entire table of hors d'oeuvres over the course of ten seconds. It was truly a sight I do not think I shall ever be able to forget. And I did try to.

     This feat, however, paled in comparison to the gastronomic accomplishments he achieved during the banquet proper, when he demonstrated for us all his ability to consume seventeen glasses of Spicy Fruit Punch, six whole Qando Pizzas, two Aubergine Casseroles, and the entirety of the Jazan Cake which Nabile baked for me that morning, with only minor indigestive agony following.

     The evening was rendered further exciting when Wessle decided to take his compatriot's bellows of discomfort for an assassination attempt, and proceeded to question each one of us in turn in a lengthy interrogation session wherein we were required to remember exactly what we ate and how much. We were also tasked with determining which bad habit of ours most annoyed Palpus, who by this point had passed out and was unavailable for questioning. It was quite an introspective event for all. On my part, I had no idea that Nabile has no qualms about using the peanut butter knife for the jam. This at least explains the chunks of peanut I keep finding on my toast in the mornings.

     As for myself, Nabile has informed me that my snoring sounds like a violently ill Noil.

     Still hoping for some small pittance of forgiveness,

     King Jazan of Qasala

     ***

     King Jazan,

     I am most displeased to hear of the utter disrespect you showed my representatives last night. I wish I could say that your lack of decorum comes as a disappointment to me, but I have long since learned to set my expectations low.

     Also note that from henceforth, all correspondence bearing your seal will be used as kindling, unopened. One must do what one can to keep heating costs low. I am confident you understand. In other news, we here at Sakhmet are now considering taking up Weewoo-launching as a national sport.

     Returning to the subject of your faux pas, I am aghast at your lack of education concerning Sakhmetian deportment. If you had but done your research, you would have discovered that murder mysteries are a key ritual during the royal banquets of our culture. Dear Advisor Wessle was simply doing his best to adhere to the proper protocol during such an illustrious event. He cannot be faulted for your terrible snoring habits.

     As for Senator Palpus, I am sure he will be grievously insulted when he discovers your words concerning him. A faithful servant of the state since my father's reign, Palpus in fact suffers from a medical condition he simply cannot control. Diagnosis of gluttony is a serious matter, and yet you have made light of it, suggesting I sent him as entertainment and making other disparaging remarks toward his rather considerable person. If I had wished to present you with amusement, I would have done so in the form of poisoned Geopeppers and dagger-throwing dancers.

     With this letter I firmly request that you do not reply. Your silence shall be response enough for my busy schedule and overburdened working days. I do not know what sort of frivolity you partake in over in Qasala, but we in Sakhmet have no time for these sorts of trivialities.

     As a last token of condescension, I will do you the favor of recommending the Royal Surfpoint Resort on Mystery Island's South Shore for your next vacation. The accommodations have been nothing short of sublime, and the service top-notch. Nabile should find the Mango Crab Salad especially delicious, and she should not skip out on the beachfront massage and pedicure treatment.

     Concerned as ever about the future of your kingdom,

     Princess Amira of Sakhmet

The End

 
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