Seeking: One Master of the Universe
"Neopia. What a lovely planet. I think I'll take it.” Dr. Frank Sloth
Everybody’s heard of Dr, Sloth. Some of you may even think you know him well. Fooling yourselves, I say. You may have admired him from afar, but I know him up close and personal. I’m one of his Minions, nay, his second in command, right hand man and evil confident. His most humble admirer and fervent follower. I live to serve my Master. If only I could manage to find him.
My name is Parlax. You think you know me? Think again.
I met Dr. Sloth the very same day he first laid eyes on Neopia. Us Grundos have always known we have an affinity for evil geniuses, but the chance of meeting one is a rare thing indeed. Dr. Sloth’s swift conquer or our planet was a blessing in disguise, and after enslaving our race and creating his army, I and some of my fellow captives were drafted to man his Space Station. Such a happy coincidence! We worked hard and were rewarded with indoctrination and brain-washing. And life was slowly crawling by.
Then one day I was commanded to go up to Dr. Sloth’s quarters and inform him we were approaching the World of Neopia. And the moment our eyes met, I knew my destiny with as much certainty as if Fyora herself had decreed it. He looked at the cross-shaped scar across my face and knew I was the one he had been waiting for. The one whose loyalty he’d never doubt. The one who would be by his side and help him realise his plans. I felt his insanity draw me in like a moth to a flame. And I was mesmerised. I was converted. And I knew I would serve him and obey him, gladly do his bidding and carry out his evil deeds for the rest of forever. Dr. Sloth was my Master just as surely as he was Master of the Universe.
We settled the Space Station on an easy orbit around this new World so full of promise. Dr. Sloth had so many plans! He wanted to transfigure all these new, puny Neopians into his own super race of Virtupets. And to that effect we were ordered to man his Mutation Ray day and night, zapping those pets one by one and turning them into wonderful mutant ones, much like ourselves. Life was good. And then Mira reversed the ray, and that was the beginning of the end. That smug Space Faerie did away with my Master’s best laid plans. The ray exploded and all mutations were reversed and Dr. Sloth had to leave, though he vowed he wouldn’t be gone for long. And I believed him. I was sure good things would come to me if I stayed by his side. Besides, where else would I have gone? Dr. Sloth was my sun, and I his most trusted minion.
After that ignominious defeat, my Master decided to take a step back and bid his time, seeking an opening that would allow him to carry out his plan for world domination. And that came about in the most unlikely way. I’m pretty sure not many of you will have heard of an insignificant Bruce bingo caller who had a knack for playing Cheat! Cheat... I’d laugh if it wasn’t tragic. That Brucey B should have been begging my Master to let him join his ranks. Because cheat is precisely what he did. The lucky scarab he worn around his neck, that’s how his winnings came around. But my Master had a plan to get his hands on it and use it to regain control of his Space Station and take over the world. And I, being his second in command, was essential for its success. Such a brilliant plan! Even to this day all of you good people of Neopia think Brucey B lost his lucky coin to a mysterious purple Jetsam. But no. It was me all along, disguised to look like a Jetsam because Grundo minions are so distrusted. Brilliant plan if I ever saw one.
Alas, it was not to be. Even though I got the lucky coin and we took over Sakhmet, in the end you odious Neopets won again. My Master lost his staff, the coin and the city. I was lucky enough to have appropriated a rocket, and thankfully could spirit him away to safety. But he was never quite the same after that fiasco. My poor misunderstood Master.
Following these events, my Master and I spent many years in exile, hidden away, regaining our strength, plotting and planning and readying the evilness. We knew the return of Dr. Sloth was a sure thing. It was going to happen when Neopia least expected it.
And so we finally arrive to the ill-fated attempt to conquer Neopia that took place in Year 10. You’re all so full of glee, so happy and congratulatory towards each other, so proud of the way that your Resistance overturned the coup. Fools, all of you.
I was imprisoned in Kreludor for trying to play Xarthab and Zorlix -the tow brothers who run the Kerludian mines- against each other. All I wanted to do was to make sure Dr Sloth had a good chance of obtaining the Kreludite we needed, and keeping the brothers focussed on their feud seemed like a good plan. Unless I got caught. Which I did. Luckily, I managed to escape and get back to my Master. Regrettably, during those awful last moments on board of my Master’s ship when I realised the self-destruct sequence had been initiated, I panicked. I’m ashamed to say I ran away. But my intention had always been to find my Master afterwards. Do not doubt that for a second, friend.
I never saw Dr. Sloth again after that fateful day. I know many of you have seen me moping around Neopia, wandering in all directions, sad and silent and just the smallest bit lost. Since the ominous day my Master disappeared, I’ve been seeking, seeking him, trying to surmise where he could have gone. Many say he’s hiding here in Neopia, that he’s been spotted at random events, handing out Transmogrification potions in exchange for loyalty. That sounds like an impostor to me. My Master would never barter, he would demand. Some Neopians say he’s been sealed inside the Space Faerie Token, but I don’t believe that for a minute. My Master is far too clever, far too powerful for that. And a few of you go so far as to assert that the Happiness Faerie, that elusive creature, is none other than my Master in disguise, still keeping an eye on Neopia and still plotting, having his fun fooling the silly creatures of this world with his makeshift disguise. Knowing my Master as I do, I believe there could be some truth in that. And that’s why I wander around aimlessly, seeking all that’s bright and joyful even though happiness is repugnant to me. But wherever happy Neopians gather, wherever there’s laughter an merriment, there’s a chance the Happiness Faerie will make an appearance. So far, I’ve had no such luck. So please, I beg of you kind Neopian. If you see that evasive faerie, will you let me know? Will you send for me? Will you help me?
Thank you, my friend. And may the blessing of the Faerie Queen be with you always.