The inside scoop on Jelly W-argh! *choke* Circulation: 90,556,131 Issue: 162 | 15th day of Collecting, Y6
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

70 Reasons Why We Have to Have the Times

by belldandy213


DEEP CATACOMBS - Every weekend, people crowd around the Neopian Times newsstand, and wait to read the latest Stoneman3x or Too_kule. What is it that attracts so many to the Times? Well, obviously something’s up, because the Neopian Tabloid and the Weekly Neopian News lay literally untouched in the shelves of newsstands throughout Neopia! Because of this, I have compiled 70 Reasons Why We Have to Have the Times! I hope you enjoy, and hopefully, don’t get injured!!!

What would we do without the Times? Why must we have the Times? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE DIDN’T HAVE THE TIMES??? All of these and more are answered in this ultra-wacky article about the Times.

1. Weewoos love the Times, and therefore command us to do so as well.

2. The Neopian Enquirer is nothing but a bunch of lies.

3. The Neopian Staff is brainwashing us to read nothing but the Times, and only the Times, day and night.

4. It’s good stress relief.

5. We all love being frustrated reading the Times after being rejected.

6. ‘cuz da editer nvr acceps bad grammer & speeling

7. Because if not an invasion from Sloth’s minions would start, and everything would go boom and—

8. Because if not then where would all of us insane people go?

9. To the Big Cheese, of course.

10. But where’s that?

11. Nevermind…

12. Because Snowflake is the editor, and she’s a special editor bent on world domination…

13. Life would be boring without the Times.

14. The Meepits wouldn’t have cupboards to hide in, if not…

15. What would we do for our spare time if we had no Neopian Times?

16. Read, of course.

17. Read what?

18. Good point…


20. If not, then what would Neopia come to? *Shudders*

21. What would all those Times Regulars do with themselves if not?

22. Then we’d have to actually… RESEARCH how to do stuff in Neopia, instead of take advantage of others writing about that stuff!!!

23. Life would be booooorrrrrrringgggg without the Times!!!

24. How else would we procrastinate off of schoolwork and daily duties?

25. Because Chiazilla would come after us and KILL us if we didn’t read it!

26. Too many people would be crowding around the bookstore and toy shops if not… (And I need those shops to earn neopoints with restocks… heh heh heh…)

27. Because there isn’t anything better in Neopia.

28. We’re too addicted to not read it.

29. Because nobody likes being bored.

30. Because then nobody would be able to read it upside down.

31. OR sideways…

32. OR right side up…

33. OR backwards…

34. OR forwards…

35. OR any other way for that matter…

36. If we didn’t have the Times…then there wouldn’t be such thing as nightmares!

37. Because the faeries would all come after us and eat us if there was no Neopian times to deter them from.

38. Because we wouldn’t be able to play games without cheating!!!

39. What else would we use to fill up our trashcans?

40. There would be no people screaming from rejection… and Neopia would be quiet… TOO quiet…

41. Well, since TV and computers don’t exist in Neopia, what would we do without it?

42. We’d be all confused, and the Weewoos wouldn’t be able to mind-control us…

43. I’d have nothing to talk about.

44. I wouldn’t be writing this article!

45. NO TIMES STAR AVVIE!!! And what would we do without it?

46. Then pet rocks would actually… MOVE???

47. What else would I do in the 5 hours a week I spend writing for the Times?

48. The sky would be green, the grass would be yellow (wait… it already IS!), and the water would be pink!

49. Then the whole of Neopia would be upside down, and a Civil War would start, and Sloth would return, and evil Meepits would rule Neopia, and there would be no point in playing in Neopia… and… and… PIGS WOULD FLY!

50. What are pigs?

51. I don’t know…

52. Then the Shadow Usul would hang out more often in the Deep Catacombs, because she wouldn’t be in competition with the VAMPIRE Meepits!!!

53. We wouldn’t have paper airplanes to throw around in class.

54. We wouldn’t have anything to do when we’re trying not to pay attention to class.

55. Then Neoschools would be coming out sometime in this century… and we know how unlikely that is…

56. Then what would the Neopian Times Writer’s Forum become???


58. Then the Neopian staff would actually make a game that I’m good at…

59. We have to have the Times! Because we’d go more insane than usual if we didn’t!

60. If there were no Times… then all of the guilds that are about the Neopian Times wouldn’t have a topic!!!

61. The Neopian Times is the only true news source that has a sense of humor (unlike The International Neopian Chronicle… which sure is true… but makes me unusually sleepy………)

62. If there were no Neopian Times, could you imagine how boring weekends would be on Neopets? I mean… they barely have any updates during the weekends… if they take away the Times, they take away the weekends… and that’s not good!

63. If they were to take away the Times… then what would us writers do with ourselves during school or work… it’s not like we actually listen!

64. The Weekly Neopian News is SO untrue! I mean, at least the NT is truthful… and authors can still have a sense of humor…

65. But most of all… The number one reason why we have to have the Times is……… *drum roll please*

66. WE

67. JUST

68. LOVE

69. IT!!!

70. (Plus, the Weewoos would get angry at us if we didn’t, and trust me, you do NOT want them angry!!!)

So, at the end, the reason that we have to have the Times is that we just LOVE it!!! I mean, come on, who DOESN’T love the times? The zaniness, the wackiness, the unpredictable-ness… (Oh, I’m in a “-ness” mood, aren’t I? Don’t you love suffixes?) Everything about the Times is wonderful, and THAT is why we have to have the TIMES!

The End!

Author’s note: This article is just for fun, so I wouldn’t suggest you take it seriously… Except that the reason we have to have the Times is that we just love it. I appreciate constructive criticism, but don’t overcrowd my inbox with neomails. ^_^ If you want, you could read my other articles… I’m sure you’ll love them. ^_^ Bye bye!


Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


The Lonely Cola Machine
Far away on a distant moon (a.k.a. really nearby on Kreludor) there sits a mysterious Neocola Machine. Where did it come from? What is its purpose?

by jerryms


Chia Hunting ISN'T Easy!
And you wonder why Durian is the king of fruits.

by metalguilmon88


A Jealous Evil
"You'd better do what I ask. Believe me, you won't be able to bear the consequences if you don't."

by ginger23456


65 Ways To Get Yourself Chased By an Angry Mob
The whole key is to disturb, annoy and/or otherwise infuriate as many people as possible. But first, you need to know how to recognize a mob.

by island_faerie10

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.